Letterblade

Disorder	Your Score
Major Depression:	Extremely High
Dysthymia:	High
Bipolar Disorder:	High
Cyclothymia:	High-Moderate
Seasonal Affective Disorder:	Moderate
Postpartum Depression:	N/A
Take the Depression Test

Ha ha. Ha ha. Ha.

Still looking for a housemate. Along with every other geek in the Boston area, I know. :/

( State of the Tory )

( Job crap )

There. Batch of stuff that I wanted to get out there, somehow. Now I need a shower because I am a greaseball.

Spazzpoints:

- Court tomorrow. At 9 AM, fuck them. Paperwork screwup with my car, in case you were wondering.

- Due to my perpetually borked voter registration and the fact that I didn't get my shit together in time to get properly re-registered, I cannae vote this year. Yes, I fail as a citizen and have no right to complain about how fucked this country is, thanks for letting me know.

- Due to having another major writing project going right now, and my current spazz, have already fallen behind on NaNo. Can recover as soon as I get a chance to buckle down, but:

- Wednesday: court.

- Thursday: due to a long and bizarre set of circumstances, am doing a craft show on Thursday, solo. Never done anything like it before. Need to price a batch of stuff, get work together, find displays...ayyy, so much to prepare.

- Friday: have to get my car looked at at some point this week, so it's gotta be Friday.

- Saturday: party.

- Sunday: party.

- Why did my schedule suddenly go insane?

- I have a wiggly front tooth. WTFCHICKENBIRDFLU. Am I losing a tooth? As an adult? WTF do I do? Ayyy.

So shadesong linked to an article on polyamory, the general gist of which is Only Date Grownups.

And because I'm occasionally taken by the questionable urge to measure myself up to bullet-pointed lists provided by random strangers on the internet (who isn't?), I ran down the list.

( Hardcore introspection. Short version: am I a grownup? Sortof. )

What do I even call my recent thingie? It's kind of beyond depression into complete avoidance of everything. I'm not sure I've read my email in a few days.

I've realized that a lot of it is probably the moving thing. Moving by itself I could supposedly cope with. Huge pain in the ass, seeing as I've actually mostly settled here (unlike the other 2938492834 places I moved out of), but. No, the problem is that I've come to think of this place as home. A lot of the time, it feels like I'm home in my parents' house, except without the messed-up mom. A lived-here-forever sort of thing. Dunno why. But.

Settling is not okay. Will always get kicked out. I thought I was over that paranoia. But.

They're looking for a replacement roommate who wants to be all family-like and have dinner together and shared activities. I highly recommend this place, really. Even if the fact that they're kicking me out and replacing me when they didn't even tell me what they wanted kind of stings.

Nope. Not over that paranoia. Which is another part of why I am avoiding the housing search. Why look through listing after listing, trying to find a place I can like to live, knowing that I'll be kicked out of it in a year or two?

And I probably need to go get another crappy job that eats my entire life, doesn't pay enough to live on, and gets me treated like crap and thrown away in three months. Not going to get another job as good as the last one. Not freaking possible with my resume and poor interview skills. Jewelry is fun, but sales are miserable.

Also, what does it mean when you're semi-consistently having slight blurry/double vision, things like the tops of doors doubled vertically (if that even makes sense), and it's in both eyes? Buh?

Also, I suck. Knowing why I'm avoiding real life doesn't help a damn bit towards fixing it. I'm getting my car worked on today. I can say that much for myself.

Agh. I have been having one of THOSE weeks. Or week and change. Span of time. The kind of time wherein the thought of doing anything productive, or even hitting reply to an important email, makes me sick with stress and I can't deal with it at all.

I hate my brain.

I should probably start mainlining valerian or something. All I really need to cope with right now, aside from writing the game, is finding a new apartment and moving in a month. That should be easy. Am financially stable, can deal with unemployment after I move. It's not like I haven't been in far worse positions. And as far as my tremendous ability to angst about an unreplied-to email to the point where I think about it constantly but it's a white haze as far as what to say and I've already convinced myself that the person in question hates me for not getting back to them...ayyy. Stupid brain. It's like the not-in-school version of the procrastinating on the paper until you can't face doing it and want to talk to your professor about it but you can't face that either so you just don't turn it in and then screw yourself.

When I'm stressed, I tend to shut down communication. Stupid permanent mercury retrograde. And it makes people think I'm all rude and aloof and ignoring them and passive-aggressive, and then it stresses me out more that people might think of me badly, and. (And, yeah, it stresses me out that people might think of me badly when I don't know about it. Pathetic. But I have a long history of everything seeming fine and then getting dumped/kicked out/fired out of the blue, with no particular warning, because somebody has spent weeks or months being perpetually annoyed with me about something and hasn't talked with me about it or tried to fix it, just gotten rid of me. Or maybe they sent me a few emails, but didn't make it clear that this was a Big Deal. Or maybe they thought they made something clear but didn't because I was stupid. Or.)

Mostly I just kind of felt like posting something here as an indirect means of communication, because that gets around my brain blocks, I guess? Huh. I have so few brain blocks when it comes to LJ, and so many when it comes to most other means of communication. I suppose eventually my brain will block this too, but it's been years so far...

Alskdjflskdf. Need to go buy new tires, drive to Westboring, and water my mother's plants. She's paying me for house-sitting. Probably not enough to offset the tires though.

Because I was too busy freaking out about something. That something has now been confirmed.

I will have to move out of my current place by August.

*headdesk*

I have warning, and it's not for reasons that have anything to do with me (i.e. this was not a "we hate you and your dirty dishes and your LARP-printing on the dining room table go away.") And I will be trolling the Craigslist and such. But I figured I'd post this now, in case anybody has a geek house in need of a roommate around that time.

I'm sorry for the complete and total lack of posts. And for the fact that I haven't so much as read my friendslist in a month or two. Pretty much all my time and energy is going into the following things:

- Work, which has been extremely hectic and stressful as of late.
- Writing The Treaty of Pallas and Shebopaleileigh, both of which run in less than six weeks.
- Plotting and playing in a private LJ/LARP game which my local family has been doing. (The chosen kind, not the blood kind, of course.) Someday perhaps I will post more about this.
- Battling endless soul-sucking sick. I've had various colds for two months solid.
- Unit origami.

Obviously some of those are more relaxation things. But I sleep in because I'm exhausted, run to work and stress all day, come home wiped and try to drag more of my LARPs out of my brain, or try to relax with the private-LARP adventures or crazy origami projects.

Two small accomplishments:

I've been politically minded as of late. (Since I started following the election. It's carried over into the private-LARP.) It occurred to me, contemplating the hate-cult train wreck that is the Westboro Baptist Church (which I feel ashamed to have the name of my hometown associate with), that the following might make an excellent political slogan or bumper sticker, if it does not yet exist: "Freedom of speech does not mean freedom from conscience."

Though it also occurs to me that there really cannot be a law in this country to prevent one from being a jackass; that's kind of the point. I just wish it was a less hateful culture, I suppose. Still proud of the phrase.

Accomplishment the other:

If one is coloring the edges of a regular dodecahedron with five colors, it is possible to arrange the colors so that no color is repeated around the edge of the same face. (The same pattern of colors cannot repeat on all faces, however.) I do not have the technical proof of this, as I am not that sort of person, but I fiddled with pens, made a hypothesis, and then tested it both on paper and with paper.

Any pentagonal face in a dodecahedron is going to have a third edge extending from each corner. Like, if one isolated one face and one edge, and pardoned the fact that ascii does not do small scale pentagons well:

 |
/ \
\_/

so.

The extending edge is the same color as the opposite edge of the original face. Like:

 |
/ \
\_/

so.

Following this rule throughout the construction will produce the afformentioned result. I have a rather large open-frame dodecahedron (the "little turtle" unit from Tomoko Fuse's Unit Origami) sitting on my dining room table in proof. (It also had to be held together with tape on the inside, as the unit gets floppy in large open constructions. But still.)

Now to make a seven-side box, purely for the Box of Babalon lolz.

Car unable to make it out of the driveway in this weather. As a result, it took me an hour and a half to get to work, and two hours to get home. Most of that time with numb feet and mind-hazing sense of commute panic.

I know I haven't posted here in an age and a half, and this is a hell of a way to start up again, but I had to relate my EPIC MEH.

Death Note, and bizarre relations to it, are eating my brain.

That is all. I've got nothing in me. 3.5 hours on the road for 6 hours on the clock, and that's not counting the extensive man-hours spent attempting to get the car out of the driveway. MOTHERFUCKER. Do not want to do this again tomorrow. DO NOT WANT.

Made it to Delaware, which was my longest solo roadtrip ever, by about five hours. Hung out with quigonejinn on the way down, which was awesome. Currently curled on my comfy air mattress on the floor of the con chair's extra room (crash space) snarfing hotel internet. Game pickings slim due to the registration foo--somebody who got here earlier yanked the last slot in two games I want to play, leaving me with one game I'm interested in and a lot of random crack--but company is good.

Squee.