April being the cruelest month, etcetera

[letterblade]

It's been almost a year since he dumped me.

*gingerly pokes wounds*

Nope, still fresh. Scabbed a little, maybe. Nowhere near healed. Whatever battle I was supposed to fight, whatever test the universe was giving me, I lost. Too weak to survive one stupid breakup intact.

And I'm a stupid donkey for having my first LJ post in foreverandaday be emo.* It's not like there isn't other stuff I keep meaning to post. Like postmortems on the LARPs I ran, or the tabletop game that's been brewing in my head, or the quiz that told me I was Chip Delaney. But I have a splitting headache, and feel like I'm going to throw up, and have just realized that I've been walking around with a dead spot in place of my heart for a year.

I'm going to take my painkillers and my antidepressant and go the fuck to sleep now. I had better feel better in the morning.


* Something I have realized: I have never been much of a person for "it is forbidden, thus I will do it and enjoy it." (Not that I don't do forbidden things--heck, I have a rack of sex toys on my wall--but I do them in spite of that, not because of that.) But, damn, I've realized that publicly posting about my negative emotions on LJ is a highly subversive thing, given my upbringing (show no negative emotions or you are yelled at) and my social conditioning from my two long-term relationships (showing negative emotions is manipulation, or overreacting, or childish; and Cyn in particular would get very upset with me if I posted to LJ about stuff.) So. Here I am doing the subversive thing and, in part, enjoying it because it is subversive.

Huh.

Comments

[hanasaseru.livejournal.com]

I'm strongly of the opinion that you need to express negative emotions somewhere, or they will fester and rot and eat away at you from the inside. (And this is not a healthy thing, obviously). And I agree with what someone above said, someone you're dating not allowing you to express your negative feelings is a sign of an unhealthy/abusive relationship - it's a way of controlling you. I've had it done to me, too.

It's definitely not the same thing, but I'm still really not over my relationship that ended around this time last year - because it emotionally scarred and damaged me, just in a different way. There are parts I'm not even willing to touch yet, and I think healing is going to take a long time. In other words, as people have said, healing doesn't happen fast.

Also, as to the people I've dated that I actually cared deeply about - I'm of the opinion that the only reason I'm over the break up is because both of them remained in my life as close friends - there needs to be some space first, obviously, but after that I find it a lot easier to heal if I know they're still close. I'm sorry you don't have that available to you. *hugs tightly*