April being the cruelest month, etcetera

[letterblade]

It's been almost a year since he dumped me.

*gingerly pokes wounds*

Nope, still fresh. Scabbed a little, maybe. Nowhere near healed. Whatever battle I was supposed to fight, whatever test the universe was giving me, I lost. Too weak to survive one stupid breakup intact.

And I'm a stupid donkey for having my first LJ post in foreverandaday be emo.* It's not like there isn't other stuff I keep meaning to post. Like postmortems on the LARPs I ran, or the tabletop game that's been brewing in my head, or the quiz that told me I was Chip Delaney. But I have a splitting headache, and feel like I'm going to throw up, and have just realized that I've been walking around with a dead spot in place of my heart for a year.

I'm going to take my painkillers and my antidepressant and go the fuck to sleep now. I had better feel better in the morning.


* Something I have realized: I have never been much of a person for "it is forbidden, thus I will do it and enjoy it." (Not that I don't do forbidden things--heck, I have a rack of sex toys on my wall--but I do them in spite of that, not because of that.) But, damn, I've realized that publicly posting about my negative emotions on LJ is a highly subversive thing, given my upbringing (show no negative emotions or you are yelled at) and my social conditioning from my two long-term relationships (showing negative emotions is manipulation, or overreacting, or childish; and Cyn in particular would get very upset with me if I posted to LJ about stuff.) So. Here I am doing the subversive thing and, in part, enjoying it because it is subversive.

Huh.

Comments

[chauni.livejournal.com]

I know what you mean. My ex and I broke up in October after six years and promises of forever, and I'm still not over it. It's still painful and fresh. I think we all heal at our own time, but there hits a point where you wonder "It's been so long; come on already!"

::hugs::

((this would be mattador, on my new LJ))

[matt_doyle]

*hugs* I'm still drastically different as a person than I was before my breakup with Sarah. I feel healed, and am happy with my life and love as is, but... it made me smaller, more cynical, less trusting, less kind, less giving... and those changes are permanent. Not the same thing, but I can relate, I think.

And subversive or no, emo or no, I'm glad to hear from you. I think you're an incredibly awesome person. Occasionally I worry that I fanboy too strongly and am freaking you out, actually (in which case tell me and I'll tone it down, XD ).

[paper-crystals.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[tragical-mirth.livejournal.com]

I miss your posts :"> You love a lot of the same silly things I do. Come back more often?

[methanopyrus.livejournal.com]

um, so yeah, you gained something: experience. you can go forth with more knowledge than before. and you are doing so. otherwise you could not have posted this, and even put some reflection on your emotional past entire life. its not nothing! :)

[juldea.livejournal.com]

My boyfriend of five years broke up with me in October. I am not over him now, and I don't imagine I will be in another six months, either, and I offer you hugs of sympathy and not a small amount of liking that someone else understands my pain, too.

[callunav.livejournal.com]

Grief sucks. And takes a long time to subside to a manageable level. And doesn't actually *vanish* ever, really, it just slowly transmutes into something less like damage. But it really does take time. You had a major loss, at a point in your life when you were particularly vulnerable. Just because it wasn't the death of a person doesn't mean it doesn't produce grief.

Anyhow, I happen to like your emo posts, as well as your others. And I think there's a big difference between, "This is taboo, and I am One Who Will Not Be Bound" (no double entendre intended) and "This is something that I actually want to do that I've always been forbidden to do, and now I am free and going to exercise my freedom to DO it. Hah." I see what you're talking about as the latter. The former strikes me as pretty empty most of the time, though there can be times when it's useful or meaningful. But the latter is a reclaiming of personal power, and not trivial in the slightest. In other words, go you.

[nevacaruso.livejournal.com]

*big hugs*

Fortunately or unfortunately, I think that this is a battle that you're still fighting - just by living and finding joy where and when you can - and not necessarily one that you've lost. That doesn't mean that it isn't allowed to hurt sometimes still, and I have nothing else to offer that all those other people haven't said, except for my continued love and support, and the hope that you feel somewhat better, not just today, but also in the days to come.

[heavenscalyx.livejournal.com]

Hugs. Because damage takes much longer to heal than anyone in American society is willing to admit.

Also, because I have to say it...
Cyn in particular would get very upset with me if I posted to LJ about stuff

That was because sociopaths are really really private about anything that might reflect badly on them to other people. I was NEVER allowed to publicly talk about anything that went on in the house I shared with the Evil Ex. One or two times I did, and I didn't hear the end of it. The sign of a healthy relationship? You can are allowed to talk about your relationship publicly.

[oakenguy.livejournal.com]

Not to be partisan or anything, but does it help your battle stats if you're better than Cyn in every conceivable way?

(Just askin'.)

[hanasaseru.livejournal.com]

I'm strongly of the opinion that you need to express negative emotions somewhere, or they will fester and rot and eat away at you from the inside. (And this is not a healthy thing, obviously). And I agree with what someone above said, someone you're dating not allowing you to express your negative feelings is a sign of an unhealthy/abusive relationship - it's a way of controlling you. I've had it done to me, too.

It's definitely not the same thing, but I'm still really not over my relationship that ended around this time last year - because it emotionally scarred and damaged me, just in a different way. There are parts I'm not even willing to touch yet, and I think healing is going to take a long time. In other words, as people have said, healing doesn't happen fast.

Also, as to the people I've dated that I actually cared deeply about - I'm of the opinion that the only reason I'm over the break up is because both of them remained in my life as close friends - there needs to be some space first, obviously, but after that I find it a lot easier to heal if I know they're still close. I'm sorry you don't have that available to you. *hugs tightly*

[bleemoo.livejournal.com]

I think, as others have already said, that it's healthy for you to express this. I also think that this is not a battle that you win or lose, it's just one that you'll keep fighting, and that's ok.

I don't think writing emo posts is subversive for me, but I do support you being subversive. Possibly because I am of the opinion that a forbidden thing is worth doing solely because it is forbidden. Why should you let other people decide what you should do?

But now I'm telling you to be more subversive, so you should rebel by not being subversive. Yes. I am so smart.

I think this comment ran away from me. *runs off across the InterBlag Fields, shouting "Come back, comment! Come back to meeeeeeeee!"*

[aurora-knight.livejournal.com]

Getting it out is good for you. Don't worry about what anyone thinks.

I know how hard it is, and yes, it'll probably take a while to pass. But you will feel better eventually. You should go out and do something fun - I know, I hate it when people say that, but distractions can help a lot.

I hope I'll see you around sometime. :)