April being the cruelest month, etcetera
Apr. 23rd, 2009 10:56 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
letterbladeIt's been almost a year since he dumped me.
*gingerly pokes wounds*
Nope, still fresh. Scabbed a little, maybe. Nowhere near healed. Whatever battle I was supposed to fight, whatever test the universe was giving me, I lost. Too weak to survive one stupid breakup intact.
And I'm a stupid donkey for having my first LJ post in foreverandaday be emo.* It's not like there isn't other stuff I keep meaning to post. Like postmortems on the LARPs I ran, or the tabletop game that's been brewing in my head, or the quiz that told me I was Chip Delaney. But I have a splitting headache, and feel like I'm going to throw up, and have just realized that I've been walking around with a dead spot in place of my heart for a year.
I'm going to take my painkillers and my antidepressant and go the fuck to sleep now. I had better feel better in the morning.
* Something I have realized: I have never been much of a person for "it is forbidden, thus I will do it and enjoy it." (Not that I don't do forbidden things--heck, I have a rack of sex toys on my wall--but I do them in spite of that, not because of that.) But, damn, I've realized that publicly posting about my negative emotions on LJ is a highly subversive thing, given my upbringing (show no negative emotions or you are yelled at) and my social conditioning from my two long-term relationships (showing negative emotions is manipulation, or overreacting, or childish; and Cyn in particular would get very upset with me if I posted to LJ about stuff.) So. Here I am doing the subversive thing and, in part, enjoying it because it is subversive.
Huh.
*gingerly pokes wounds*
Nope, still fresh. Scabbed a little, maybe. Nowhere near healed. Whatever battle I was supposed to fight, whatever test the universe was giving me, I lost. Too weak to survive one stupid breakup intact.
And I'm a stupid donkey for having my first LJ post in foreverandaday be emo.* It's not like there isn't other stuff I keep meaning to post. Like postmortems on the LARPs I ran, or the tabletop game that's been brewing in my head, or the quiz that told me I was Chip Delaney. But I have a splitting headache, and feel like I'm going to throw up, and have just realized that I've been walking around with a dead spot in place of my heart for a year.
I'm going to take my painkillers and my antidepressant and go the fuck to sleep now. I had better feel better in the morning.
* Something I have realized: I have never been much of a person for "it is forbidden, thus I will do it and enjoy it." (Not that I don't do forbidden things--heck, I have a rack of sex toys on my wall--but I do them in spite of that, not because of that.) But, damn, I've realized that publicly posting about my negative emotions on LJ is a highly subversive thing, given my upbringing (show no negative emotions or you are yelled at) and my social conditioning from my two long-term relationships (showing negative emotions is manipulation, or overreacting, or childish; and Cyn in particular would get very upset with me if I posted to LJ about stuff.) So. Here I am doing the subversive thing and, in part, enjoying it because it is subversive.
Huh.