I just...

[letterblade]

Took a break for mango sorbet and wandering around beautiful, achingly familiar places. (Myst IV, to be precise. Had Serenia on my desktop; wanted to visit.) A little bit of soul-soothing.

I just want to say, though--I was just replying to a few comments--and I don't know if I'll be able to catch up in full, but I do not want you to think that your comments are going unread and unappreciated. They aren't, at least as much as I can appreciate any expression of love or sympathy right now. I want to acknowledge it; I want to accept it; but it's so hard; I don't know if I'll ever be able to shake the fear that if I do, ever, properly, you'll all disappear.

But I just...thank you.

I get stupid when I'm in pain. And a lot of the rest of the time, too--when I'm scared, or stressed, or sleep-deprived. But the worst when I'm in pain. It's what destroyed my relationship with Cyn and Caroline, and to a certain extent Anna, earlier. (Inasmuch as that relationship wasn't already doomed by gross incompatibility.) I wish I could change that about myself, but...there's so much to do, so much to change about myself, and it goes so slowly. Faster than usual, recently, but that had a lot to do with something I've lost.

I need to stop losing things. I need to stop hurting people without meaning it. And I need to--I need to stop pushing them away. But every time I let people close, everyone gets hurt.

Comments

[mattador.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

The Hedgehog's Dilemma sucks, however poetically it may be named.

I have no plans of disappearing (but then, my supportiveness is pretty hit and miss), but I don't do it for recognition or reciprocity anyway. I do it because you're a cool person, and I like you, and you deserve to know that people care about you and that is pretty much that.

[nevacaruso.livejournal.com]

I wish I could change that about myself, but...there's so much to do, so much to change about myself, and it goes so slowly.

I think it always does. For everyone, not just you.

And believe me when I say that I know how hard it is to trust people. As people (myself included) have probably said, I think you can learn to do so again, but I know that just hearing someone say it isn't just going to do much. When you're ready, we're here.

[paper-crystals.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[mllelaurel.livejournal.com]

*hugs tight*

Pain has a way of making us all rash, sometimes even thoughtless. And sure, we have to own it and take responsibility for our actions. All the same, though, it seems inhuman to me, to give up on someone you purport to care about, just because they're upsetting you.

I can't promise you won't ever do or say something that hurts me, just as I can't promise I won't do or say something that hurts you. But I can promise that I'd tell you if this was the case. Shit happens; none of us here is perfect. But you're my friend and I love you, and call me crazy but that counts for something with me.

[ursula]

Just wanted to say, hey, I'm still reading.

[delerone.livejournal.com]

Everyone gets stupid when they're in pain. It's a human thing; it's what we do. I suspect you've had some bad luck in winding up with people who don't do well with pain-induced stupidity. (Anna, I recall from experience, simply couldn't handle depressed people. Cyn I never met, and I don't know Caroline all that well.) I don't mean to speak ill of any of them. It's a character trait: some people don't handle other people's pain well.

I wish you the best.

[heavenscalyx.livejournal.com]

I don't know Anna or Caroline, but I suspect that a lot of other factors doomed your relationship with Cyn, and none of the ones I can think of were your fault.

And I will bite down on any further commentary in that arena.

Pain makes one stupid. It just does. It is a survival mechanism. You retain a certain amount of function, all geared toward making the pain stop. I remember when I blew out both my feet some years ago -- I damaged muscles in the arches of my feet -- standing for any length of time was agony, and I was taking the Orange line every day to and from Cambridge -- SRO. I was just stupid. I couldn't read to distract myself by reading because I couldn't focus. I leaned on my cane and clung to whatever else I could to take just a little bit of weight off my feet. I spent the entire ride trying to angle myself into a seat. I didn't care about anything or anyone else. And then I would get to my stop and I would somehow have to walk. It was everything I could do to keep my feet moving, and three blocks never seemed so long, slow, or agonizing. I couldn't think of anything except my feet.

That's what pain does. Talking about it helps. There are a lot of us still reading. And you know what? It's your LJ. Whoever it has been giving you grief for being angsty? Can just bite my worldcrushing ass. Because it's your LJ, and you're in pain, and gosh, maybe you don't feel like being witty or charming or creative right now because it's taking all your focus just to keep your feet moving and three blocks has never seemed so long, slow, or agonizing.

And now I'll shut up.

[natbudin.livejournal.com]

Bit of a tangent here, but since you mentioned Serenia, it's one of the Myst ages I always found quite creepy. I'm not sure I can really explain why. I'm pretty sure mine is a minority opinion here, because nobody I've talked to about the game seems to know what I mean.

Other ages I felt that way about include Tay, Teledahn, and Stoneship. There's also Haven and Edanna, but those are different; they trigger my weird-ass plant phobia. Anyway, the Myst series seems to actually be a lot scarier for me than for most players I've talked to about it. :)

[amysuemom.livejournal.com]

(I always wonder what the proper shorthand for support is from someone who hates hugging? Um..hug equivalent?)

Everyone is fucked up in some way or another. I spent most of my 20s pissing off most of my friends. Now, 47 is a few weeks away and some of those friends are now the people I am closest to and trust the most. The ones I lost either weren't worth it or weren't worth my changing my core personality for.

In my case, a somewhat prickly and amoral, but caring curmudgeon. In yours? I guess my point is that changing things about yourself that you think are needed changes is one thing, but please don't become someone you are not-it will strangle you in one way or the other in the end.

Loss sucks and I won't pretend to be able to offer any bromide to make it suck less.

Be well. And actually, you don't have to be all better on anyone's time frame but your own.

(sigh. I guess tha counts as a bromide)