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letterbladeTook a break for mango sorbet and wandering around beautiful, achingly familiar places. (Myst IV, to be precise. Had Serenia on my desktop; wanted to visit.) A little bit of soul-soothing.
I just want to say, though--I was just replying to a few comments--and I don't know if I'll be able to catch up in full, but I do not want you to think that your comments are going unread and unappreciated. They aren't, at least as much as I can appreciate any expression of love or sympathy right now. I want to acknowledge it; I want to accept it; but it's so hard; I don't know if I'll ever be able to shake the fear that if I do, ever, properly, you'll all disappear.
But I just...thank you.
I get stupid when I'm in pain. And a lot of the rest of the time, too--when I'm scared, or stressed, or sleep-deprived. But the worst when I'm in pain. It's what destroyed my relationship with Cyn and Caroline, and to a certain extent Anna, earlier. (Inasmuch as that relationship wasn't already doomed by gross incompatibility.) I wish I could change that about myself, but...there's so much to do, so much to change about myself, and it goes so slowly. Faster than usual, recently, but that had a lot to do with something I've lost.
I need to stop losing things. I need to stop hurting people without meaning it. And I need to--I need to stop pushing them away. But every time I let people close, everyone gets hurt.
I just want to say, though--I was just replying to a few comments--and I don't know if I'll be able to catch up in full, but I do not want you to think that your comments are going unread and unappreciated. They aren't, at least as much as I can appreciate any expression of love or sympathy right now. I want to acknowledge it; I want to accept it; but it's so hard; I don't know if I'll ever be able to shake the fear that if I do, ever, properly, you'll all disappear.
But I just...thank you.
I get stupid when I'm in pain. And a lot of the rest of the time, too--when I'm scared, or stressed, or sleep-deprived. But the worst when I'm in pain. It's what destroyed my relationship with Cyn and Caroline, and to a certain extent Anna, earlier. (Inasmuch as that relationship wasn't already doomed by gross incompatibility.) I wish I could change that about myself, but...there's so much to do, so much to change about myself, and it goes so slowly. Faster than usual, recently, but that had a lot to do with something I've lost.
I need to stop losing things. I need to stop hurting people without meaning it. And I need to--I need to stop pushing them away. But every time I let people close, everyone gets hurt.