my existence does not have a subject
Mar. 27th, 2002 11:29 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
letterbladeerk.
i kindof wish i could redo the past three or four days.
i had an enormous amount of shit to do recently, as in schoolwork.
none of it got done.
i'm not sure exactly how angry my various teachers will be, but that's not really the issue, as i'm beating myself up for it more than they possibly could. i'm also mentally exhausted, spent half the day being sick, and have pretty much no energy left to do anything except sleep (or lie awake rambling to myself about how sucky i am) or roam the internet like a drunk cow.
it's particularly my programming class. my programming class was damned fun for the first three or four weeks, fun enough that i utterly ignored the deadline for dropping out of the course, thinking i would be okay.
i have recently realized that i am--already, only little more than a month into the term--so far behind in concept and practice that it would take enormous time and energy to catch up, probably more time and energy that i, being a college student and all, will be able to pull together. and i've also realized that i have absolutely no idea what to do about this. should i bum my way through the class, staring blankly at blackboards and computer screens for five hours a week for the rest of the term, and hope against hope that i get a pass so that my scholarships aren't fucked up? do i bail? *can* i bail? it's not something i've researched yet in the bennington beurocracy.
for the record, this has nothing to do with the teacher. the teacher is wonderful. when he is explaining something, i understand it. the same can not be said for the books, or for myself. i've barely learned a thing about python (the programming language in question) in five weeks. i haven't done the reading yet for the class tomorrow because i can't focus on it, because i can't understand a fucking word of it. i haven't finished my project that was due monday yet, because i have little to no idea how to do what i want. and i'm already exhausted with the subject. already. i mean, i got exhausted with philosophy last term, but that was a month from the end of the term, not a month from the beginning.
gaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh.
and i'm so drained i can't do anything else. i can't write. i can't do my reading for other courses. i can't even fucking sleep. i sit here talking to myself and i am unable to say anything good about myself. i was an idiot to take this course on in the first place. now what in god's green hell do i do?
i bought a sketchbook recently. i named it "Tory's Sucky Sketchbook of Doom and Fuzzballs." it already has a fuzzball drawn in it, and below the fuzzball is written
print "Hello World!"
which is the hello world thingie in python.
now if you know my opinion of my drawing ability, you will realize just how weird a mood i must be in to prefer drawing to programming. well, at least i've proved that there's something i'm worse at than drawing.
i should do an 'in other news' bit, because a lot of other stuff has happened since the last time i updated, but i don't really feel like it.
there is no way in hell i'm going to be able to sleep. have i mentioned that, along with everything else, my sleep cycles and my appettite have become royally messed up? one night i sleep six tossy wakey hours; another i'm out like a light for twelve. this morning i went to breakfast at 8 AM, had two cups of coffee, went back home, slept until noon, and woke up with a quite bad case of vertigo--when i moved my head, it felt like i was either going to fall over or throw up. this got me out of my piano lesson, which i was not ready for, because my practicing had been sucky as well.
my opinion of my skills is as follows.
writing: good. not just good, but innately good. really good. i am scum. go me. (i'll explain later; don't feel like typing it all out now.) but please note that this doesn't include non-fiction or drama, and only marginally includes poetry. it's mainly prose. and currently it's mainly fanfiction, which is the most useless kind of writing in existence. that's what i'm good at. useless writing.
dancing: pretty good. not really innately good, but i've trained so long and so doggedly that i have some skill.
music, especially piano: pretty good as well. i innately feel the emotion; interpretation comes naturally to me. my technique is going downhill though.
everything else (web design, 3D, programming, social skills, art, drama, science, history, any language that's not english, philosophy, time management, even reading these days): sucky. now that's ranging from no-talent-but-hacked-out-some-decent-stuff-sucky to flat-out-shitty-sucky, but all still sucky.
so those are my skills. and music is connected to emotion and emotion is writing. so really, all i am is a writer. i am a lens placed over reality; that is my role in life; that is what i know; that is what i am good at; and i suck at almost everything else, so why bother. i have defined myself, my life has a subject. tory in a box, move along, nothing to see except the stories sitting on top, enjoy, please register your emotional reactions because they are the only pleasure the little life in that box has in itself.
but that still doesn't help me sleep.
heck, i don't think i've blinked for a while now.
yeah, i'm awake.
i don't know what i need. maybe i need a vacation. maybe i need a really loud party. maybe i need to watch more anime. maybe i need to have sex, or mosh, or run off the end of the world screaming things about fire and clams in random other languages. maybe i need to go find a shrink to rewire my head so that i actually have some control over myself, over my impulses, my weaknesses, my whims that lead me to waste hours and hours on end of time, losing it forever and ever, because i can't bring myself to work.
but wouldn't that be betraying myself?
i kindof wish i could redo the past three or four days.
i had an enormous amount of shit to do recently, as in schoolwork.
none of it got done.
i'm not sure exactly how angry my various teachers will be, but that's not really the issue, as i'm beating myself up for it more than they possibly could. i'm also mentally exhausted, spent half the day being sick, and have pretty much no energy left to do anything except sleep (or lie awake rambling to myself about how sucky i am) or roam the internet like a drunk cow.
it's particularly my programming class. my programming class was damned fun for the first three or four weeks, fun enough that i utterly ignored the deadline for dropping out of the course, thinking i would be okay.
i have recently realized that i am--already, only little more than a month into the term--so far behind in concept and practice that it would take enormous time and energy to catch up, probably more time and energy that i, being a college student and all, will be able to pull together. and i've also realized that i have absolutely no idea what to do about this. should i bum my way through the class, staring blankly at blackboards and computer screens for five hours a week for the rest of the term, and hope against hope that i get a pass so that my scholarships aren't fucked up? do i bail? *can* i bail? it's not something i've researched yet in the bennington beurocracy.
for the record, this has nothing to do with the teacher. the teacher is wonderful. when he is explaining something, i understand it. the same can not be said for the books, or for myself. i've barely learned a thing about python (the programming language in question) in five weeks. i haven't done the reading yet for the class tomorrow because i can't focus on it, because i can't understand a fucking word of it. i haven't finished my project that was due monday yet, because i have little to no idea how to do what i want. and i'm already exhausted with the subject. already. i mean, i got exhausted with philosophy last term, but that was a month from the end of the term, not a month from the beginning.
gaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh.
and i'm so drained i can't do anything else. i can't write. i can't do my reading for other courses. i can't even fucking sleep. i sit here talking to myself and i am unable to say anything good about myself. i was an idiot to take this course on in the first place. now what in god's green hell do i do?
i bought a sketchbook recently. i named it "Tory's Sucky Sketchbook of Doom and Fuzzballs." it already has a fuzzball drawn in it, and below the fuzzball is written
print "Hello World!"
which is the hello world thingie in python.
now if you know my opinion of my drawing ability, you will realize just how weird a mood i must be in to prefer drawing to programming. well, at least i've proved that there's something i'm worse at than drawing.
i should do an 'in other news' bit, because a lot of other stuff has happened since the last time i updated, but i don't really feel like it.
there is no way in hell i'm going to be able to sleep. have i mentioned that, along with everything else, my sleep cycles and my appettite have become royally messed up? one night i sleep six tossy wakey hours; another i'm out like a light for twelve. this morning i went to breakfast at 8 AM, had two cups of coffee, went back home, slept until noon, and woke up with a quite bad case of vertigo--when i moved my head, it felt like i was either going to fall over or throw up. this got me out of my piano lesson, which i was not ready for, because my practicing had been sucky as well.
my opinion of my skills is as follows.
writing: good. not just good, but innately good. really good. i am scum. go me. (i'll explain later; don't feel like typing it all out now.) but please note that this doesn't include non-fiction or drama, and only marginally includes poetry. it's mainly prose. and currently it's mainly fanfiction, which is the most useless kind of writing in existence. that's what i'm good at. useless writing.
dancing: pretty good. not really innately good, but i've trained so long and so doggedly that i have some skill.
music, especially piano: pretty good as well. i innately feel the emotion; interpretation comes naturally to me. my technique is going downhill though.
everything else (web design, 3D, programming, social skills, art, drama, science, history, any language that's not english, philosophy, time management, even reading these days): sucky. now that's ranging from no-talent-but-hacked-out-some-decent-stuff-sucky to flat-out-shitty-sucky, but all still sucky.
so those are my skills. and music is connected to emotion and emotion is writing. so really, all i am is a writer. i am a lens placed over reality; that is my role in life; that is what i know; that is what i am good at; and i suck at almost everything else, so why bother. i have defined myself, my life has a subject. tory in a box, move along, nothing to see except the stories sitting on top, enjoy, please register your emotional reactions because they are the only pleasure the little life in that box has in itself.
but that still doesn't help me sleep.
heck, i don't think i've blinked for a while now.
yeah, i'm awake.
i don't know what i need. maybe i need a vacation. maybe i need a really loud party. maybe i need to watch more anime. maybe i need to have sex, or mosh, or run off the end of the world screaming things about fire and clams in random other languages. maybe i need to go find a shrink to rewire my head so that i actually have some control over myself, over my impulses, my weaknesses, my whims that lead me to waste hours and hours on end of time, losing it forever and ever, because i can't bring myself to work.
but wouldn't that be betraying myself?
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: Mar. 28th, 2002 05:21 am (UTC)no subject
Date: Mar. 28th, 2002 11:24 am (UTC)*hugs*
and i understand what you mean by music and emotion, but that sort of logic doesn't work at midnight when you're depressed. i do feel better now, thanks to a lot of people. (let's hear it for MC and LJ!)
Re:
Date: Mar. 28th, 2002 02:12 pm (UTC)and the picture in question is the cover of THe Legendary Pink Dots' _The Crushed Velvet Apocalypse_. Goth enough title? :)
hey, did i tell you i have become a laurie anderson fan?
no subject
i would say more, except i am endeavoring to space out while listening to crackheaded music. go e nomine!
Re:
Date: Mar. 28th, 2002 05:50 pm (UTC)btw ... i didn't realize that barking dogs vs. minimalists is by HENRY KAISER!!!!!! HK worked with Fred Frith, who is a major player in the avant-rock scene ... he's worked with everyone from Henry Cow and Aksak Maboul (favorites of mine) to Laurie Anderson and Brian Eno -- and even the Violent Femmes!
ahh, connections....... hurts my brain.
Re: blankity blank blank blank
Date: Mar. 28th, 2002 08:54 pm (UTC)spiffy! i knew the name, but didn't know the connections.
yeah, connections are interesting. i spent an hour surfing IMDb seeing which escaflowne voice actors were in what other animes...it got weird...
Re: blankity blank blank blank
Date: Mar. 29th, 2002 07:53 pm (UTC)