Um.

[letterblade]

Did a lot of driving around and thinking today, as a result of a combination of bizarre circumstances and a general up-on-wrong-side-of-bed mood. (Bad crazy day.) Now driving around and thinking is not good for me, it really isn't. If it's about something creative, then it's the frustration of not being able to actually do anything about it, and if it's about me, well...back when I was intensely suicidal, the only thing that kept me from swerving into the barrier on 128 was my fondness for my car and the worry that it wouldn't actually finish me off.

I say back when. Because one of my trains of thought today, which was making me cry as I drove, at least has this silver lining: a rather deep indicator that I'm not currently suicidal.

Because--well, trains of thought. I realized earlier in the day that I really just wanted somebody to hold me for a bit, pet me and snuggle me and take care of me. Maybe even, you know, bring me a bowl of soup or something radically nurturing like that. Not really treatment I'm used to, definitely not recently. And not something I need very often at all, so I don't feel too guilty about the desire. Just undefinably sorrowful that--there is not currently anybody, in all the world, that I actually 100% trust to do that. That I would feel completely comfortable walking up to and asking, "hold me?"

(Or probably just drawing a fermata in the air or something, because I'm a dork. But.)

I mean, in a way, that's not even particularly surprising. I can think offhand of the people who have done that sort of thing and who I've been 100% comfortable with them doing it--it's five, tops. Two are fuzzy because they're relationships which went very sour, so it's hard, retrospectively, to figure out whether it was ever like that. One was a platonic best friend who I've fallen out of touch with. One was Caroline, who went rather abruptly from that degree of trust to thinking me a complete psycho and being terrified of me. And one was--

--by the way, if you got the impression that I was even slightly a little bit over Eric dumping me? YOU ARE SO WRONG.

The approximate Tory trust scale, for context:

a--b----c----d------------e------f*-----------------------------------------g---------h

a: driving me somewhere
b: general low-level BDSM and/or intense pain play
c: immobilizing bondage
d: vanilla sex
e: taking care of me physically (as in, I just had surgery, please bring me soup)
f: breathplay (hypothetical, assuming person knew WTF they were doing, here to give you some idea of scale)
g: taking care of me emotionally
h: magic

Eric I trusted to h. All the way. At a time when I could barely trust anybody. And it's kind of dismaying how many statements about the history of my emotional health end with "and then Eric dumped me."

(And, yes, it's possible to fall off the bottom of the scale; I can think of at least one person--who has a license and who I've ridden with before--who does, and not because of vehicular abilities.)

Um.

And then I got to thinking--do other people--like, normal people--have people they trust to take care of them emotionally? Is that something people in functional LTRs have? Marriages? Does that actually exist long-term, or am I just deluding myself?

I realize this may well sound like a silly thing to ask. My default assumption is--yes, of course people have that! Look at $couple you know, look how they act around each other, happens all the time. But. (Maybe the fact that my parents seem to have a pretty loveless marriage has influenced my views more than I thought.)

I started to feel terribly lonely. And I started to think, it's going to be this way all my life. I've already discerned the pattern; if people aren't already dating somebody, they fuck me, find somebody they actually love, and leave; if they are, things dissolve into snarls of bad communication and oddness. And it's so ungodly rare for me to trust somebody like that at all--just, statistically speaking, not going to happen.

And then I started to think, I'm going to grow old alone.

That was the silver lining moment. Because--it's really about the first time I'd thought about that. And I realized, I was assuming, it was just my default assumption, that I was going to grow old. That I'd be seventy or eighty or ninety and still miserably alone. (I've got a lot of long-lived people in my family.)

I never used to assume I was going to grow old.

Not that I'd really had a clear thought as to why I'd die young. But it was in there, subliminally; I just didn't think about the whole growing old thing, because I pretty much assumed that within ten or twenty years I'd break and off myself.

I'm not entirely sure what to make of all this. Mostly, I--I'm just lonely. Which is a pretty unfair thing to say, because right now there's nobody I trust enough to do anything about it. There are mmmmmaybe two or three people I trust to point e; nothing further. But.

Lonely. And lacking any focus or impulse, emotionally and mentally exhausted, and horrendously irresponsible; I owe people fic, I owe people projects, emails, comments, I was supposed to follow through properly and stop it with this childish blowing off of things, of communication...

Meh.

I hate living in eternal Mercury and Venus retrograde.

Comments

[lucky-otter.livejournal.com]

Presumably heavy DS would be around g as well, since it's often heavy emotionally.

[anansigirltoo.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[miraba.livejournal.com]

There are a few people whom I trust to take care of me outside of my family and bf. I wouldn't trust all of my friends like that.

[cahalith.livejournal.com]

I trust my partner that far; farther than I even trust my parents. There have been times I thought that was misplaced, but it's never been permanent. COmpare that to when I was dating TW, who I thought I could trust that far- except he asked me to make an impossible choice and broke me. So, I think we've all been through trusting someone and having it betrayed badly.

This might not be the best place to put it, but, since you're feeling down, I'm going to confess something I hope makes you feel better:

You're a brilliant, interesting, attractive person who I really wish I talked to more and who I wish lived nearby. If you did live nearby, to be totally honest...I'd probably develop a big crush on you and want to ask you out. I don't know if knowing that someone you don't know too well thinks that hey, you're my type is something you even want to know, but it's true. You're one of the friends I've made through the Myst community I most want to meet in person. I really hope that you find a lucky, loving relationship with someone you trust that far who won't leave you, because I honestly think you deserve it.

[methanopyrus.livejournal.com]

In my eyes, this post contains more than one silver lining.
I can remember realizing also that I was going to have a future... emerging out of futurelessness. Glad you can see this is exciting, or good for you.

Also, you know what? Another good thing is realizing that you *want* the things you say you want! Good job! Maybe it is not the realizing so much as the realizing along with the sadness you report. As far as I know, and have experienced, and psychology and chinese medicine is now telling me, being sad about not having the these things in your life is a crucial step in moving from being frustrated toward taking the steps to improve your life.

So, you write about being sad that you don't have x thing.

If you feel it as grief, it is a chance to let go, eliminate, perhaps you are doing that in some way, perhaps it will take a while. What beliefs, or routines can you shed and make anew?

On the other hand if you feel it as longing sadness (and you probably feel both things I am describing grief and sadness) you have more of a chinese "heart" topic to investigate. This includes family (and your childhood) origins of your current sadness. It could also beg the question: What are the origins and triggers for when you feel protected AND unprotected (safe/not safe)? What do you want and why has it been not part of you?

If you don't want to hear this kind of perspective from me, please let me know and I wont comment from the view of chinese medicine. If it is helpful, I would love to know also.

Your post was compelling because some of these very things that you write about I have been pondering and working on for myself for the past 6 years BDSM boundaries, magic boundaries, sex boundaries, trust boundaries. I did not do BDSM for a while because I just did not trust anyone. It is okay not to trust and to take time to regroup, even though it sucks to miss those activities. Nevertheless I chosse to write you from within some of the really personally helpful chinese perspective I have gained in the past year that helped me more directly see the core of the issues and their interrelations.

[methanopyrus.livejournal.com]

Also, I am really grateful that I was allowed to read this post. Thank you!
Not an issue of you choosing me on a filter, more of just confirmation that I am not alone in these same questions you pose here.

[rain-herself.livejournal.com]

Yes, it's possible, and I think the basis of any good LTR, really. It's really just an R, for me, without trusting them to take care of me emotionally. Even if it's lasted 10 years.

And not to be all movie of the week or anything, but none of that has ever made me as happy as when I finally realized I could trust myself to take care of me emotionally.

[eponis.livejournal.com]

I never used to assume I was going to grow old. Not that I'd really had a clear thought as to why I'd die young. But it was in there, subliminally; I just didn't think about the whole growing old thing, because I pretty much assumed that within ten or twenty years I'd break and off myself.

Wow. I've said almost exactly the same thing. For me, the turning point was right about the time that I got on meds. (And I hadn't really consciously thought about that connection before. Hunh.) Anyway, I'm really happy that you're at that place.

I'm not sure what to say about your question. I mean, yes, to me that is part of a healthy long-term relationship -- feeling like your partner will do their best to care for you emotionally, even if they're not the ONLY person you lean on, and even if there are some things that they just aren't equipped to handle. And I want to say that I've had it in my relationships. (Honestly, what I worry about more is my ability to build that level of trust and care in non-romantic relationships!)

You'll find it, too. The fact that you've been willing to give someone that kind of trust before is huge, because even if it ended up not working, it means that you're capable of opening yourself up like that. So many people aren't.

::hugs:: I've threatened to make a great big pot of chicken noodle soup for Galen and freeze it in small batches, so I can feel like I'm doing something to take care of him when he's unwell and I'm not around. I might have to label a couple of those batches for you. ;-)

[ursula]

Yes. I'm not that great at signaling & the boy (now husband, crazy) isn't that great at mind-reading, but if I can show that I need him, he'll be there.

Do you want some cookies? Now that it's fall I bet I could mail you cookies.

[mattador.livejournal.com]

I trust easily and deeply (there's still a scale,but it would look very different from yours) until given a good reason not to- then I trust not at all, never again. I'm sure there's an exception to that rule, but I can't think of it; and maybe there isn't- I'm a judgmental guy when I've been played or lied to.

At my highest level of trust, there are maybe a dozen people- half of whom definitely merit it, the other six (still just an estimate) who are people I've simply really taken a shine to. But I've never dated anyone who wasn't already at that top level (and some of them, at the time, definitely were in the "no rational excuse for this" category).

But yeah, that is something that I've got. Can't speak for anyone else. I suspect a couple of my exes might have interestingly different perspectives.

[ghostangel.livejournal.com]

It's a strange feeling to wake up one day and realize you're *not* going to die young. At least not by your own hand anyways. Its an uncomfortably good feeling though.

[nevacaruso.livejournal.com]

You know, I was about to type, "you can trust me to take care of you!111!!!" but then I realized. I don't make that decision. You do.

And it's hard. To give that much of yourself to another person, essentially putting your emotional well-being (however temporarily or permanently) in their hands... not knowing whether they'll freak out or lash out or laugh or turn away. To figure out where their lines - and yours - are drawn between trust and dependence (not that I think you've ever had a problem with this, but there are reasons why, though I'm still very emotionally expressive, I am a lot more aware of that line than I used to be); or, alternately, between self-sufficiency and self-isolation. If people in any sort of relationship - long-term, short-term, romantic and platonic and everywhere in between - can manage to do all of this, more power to them.

And, after you've been burned, I can only imagine how difficult it must be to pick yourself back up again.

But you did. You are. Nobody expects you to have done it perfectly, or with absolute confidence all the way through, or for trust and faith in the future to come easily. (and I can't speak for anyone else, but nor do I expect you to be over Eric today, next week, or months from now, although I certainly hope for your sake that it continues to hurt a little less as time goes on.) All we ask is that you take care of yourself, and that you're as honest with yourself as it is in your power to be. Just the fact that you know where your trust scale is, and that you were honest enough with us to share all of this, actually says a lot. Finally, I know that "live one day at a time" and "the future will take care of itself" are huge cliches, but, as with most cliches, I think there's some truth to them.

All of which is to say: I love you, and I'm glad you're still here.

[ratatosk.livejournal.com]

And then I got to thinking--do other people--like, normal people--have people they trust to take care of them emotionally? Is that something people in functional LTRs have? Marriages? Does that actually exist long-term, or am I just deluding myself?

I find that, on an emotional level, after going long enough without something in my relationships, I stop believing other people have it either. This applies to everything from what you are describing to really any sort of sex at all.

[belgatherial.livejournal.com]

To answer your question. It does and can happen. I used to have big scary trust issues - never ever trusted anyone I was with to stay. And lo and behold, they didn't. And so, I said to myself, "See? You're right." And then I met sikander7. And he just didn't go away. Even when I threw the worst of me at him. Even when I wouldn't trust him to stay. He did. Long and patiently. Until I learnt to hesitantly hope, and then, yes, trust, wholeheartedly. And I'm still there. Which is good.

I know that probably doesn't help much, but it can happen. And does. Sometimes.

I also used to believe I wouldn't live to be old, and now I feel I will. I get how that's cool.

Hang in there.

[mytheria.livejournal.com]

I know trusting isn't easy. And nobody will tell you it is. But give yourself time, recovering from a break-up is never a quick and easy process.
For a long time I operated on the assumption that any trust I placed in people would be violated. Not sure if the past tense applies yet. But I placed it anyway, because I am more scared of never having experiences than I am of having bad experiences. Luckily, there have been a few people who've recently seemed to be not too intent on breaking me (on purpose at least).

As a total aside, your points on the trust scale are interesting. I would place them in a very different order. Psyches are interesting things.

[celtic_maenad]

What those people said. You know, about it's good that you can acknowledge what you want, good that you can feel still after so many disappointments.

A note of hope, since you asked: I'm in a LTR - together for 12 years, married for 3. I trust him to take care of me emotionally and physically; whatever I do, I also think "I want to share that with him". I *can* do things seperately from him, my emotional life isn't bound up in him. But joy shared with him is exponentially expanded and sadness shared with him is exponentially lessened.

You are right, finding that level of trust is rare, and I'm constantly reminded how very lucky I am by seeing so many of the relationships around me. But it is possible.

*hugs* and cookies to you, if you want 'em.