Things I will never quite forgive my mother for*

[letterblade]

I was thinking of this in the shower, and wanted to write it down. It's funny; it doesn't look like much when you add it up, but I often think that a fair amount of why I'm so fucked up goes back to her.

~~~

~ When I badly strained my hands playing piano, she assumed nothing was wrong and told me to just keep playing. At the time, I had no independent insurance or transportation; thus I was effectively denied treatment. They've never improved, and have in fact continually gotten worse; I've had to quit a job because of it at least once, for example.

~ When I brought my first serious girlfriend home, she freaked out and told me to my face that I was immoral. It wouldn't have been as frightening if I had expected it, but except for that incident and one offhand comment when I was quite small ("I hope you don't grow up to be a lesbian and pretend to be a man," or something to that effect), she has kept her homophobia in the closet.

~ The family was playing Dictionary once, and I came up with what I thought was one of my best submissions ever--the word, which I now forget, had reminded me of Thermidor, which I knew of courtesy of our friend Mr. Gaiman, and I defined it as a month of the French revolutionary calendar. My mother, being the judge that round, received the submission, recognized my handwriting, and exclaimed aloud that she didn't think I'd know about that. Thus making her low opinion of my intelligence quite clear and blowing an excellent play, all at once.

~ The fact that she's informed me several times that my siblings all receive X amount of money (it involves multiple zeroes) for Chrismukah every year, but I have received nothing close to that amount myself, despite spending several years dangling off the poverty line.

~ Every time she's dissed my writing or my wish to write, blatant or no, for whatever reason.

~ Every time she called me "stupid" or "ding-a-ling" as a small child.

~ I distinctly remember several times, when I was little, when I was crying, usually as a result of her getting angry at me about something, and her response was just to snap "stop feeling sorry for yourself." In fact, I can't think of a time when that wasn't her response, though my memory is so ungodly fuzzy that this doesn't say much. I think this has a lot to do with the fact that I never felt comfortable crying around other people; my first serious girlfriend thought this a big deal, as she liked seeing me cry (at least when she wanted to; when she wished to air her own baggage, god help me if I cried or expressed distress); and the parenthetical issue was even worse with Cyn, who would often go into seizures if I was in a bad way. (In fact, the only person, dating or no, who I have ever cried on and felt okay and loved doing so was ineffablewombat. But she now thinks I'm a psycho killer, so that's gone.)

~~~

* Unless she actually, y'know, apologizes** and admits that these things have hurt me. But that's never going to happen. She probably doesn't remember any of this, and probably wouldn't consider it wrong if she did. She's very self-righteous, and hypocritical.

** She did apologize for the Dictionary incident. But that was a good one, damn it!

Comments

[heavenscalyx.livejournal.com]

Wow. Your mother sounds like a real piece of work. I mean, I knew that, but I didn't know specifics.

Also, that bit with Cyn? One of the many reasons I mentally catalogued her as a manipulative, narcissistic sociopath long ago.

[methanopyrus.livejournal.com]

I am sorry to hear of these things. In San Francisco, I have several friends who had similar stories of their families maltreatment and unequal treatment of them. The stories shocked me for sure and speak of huge mysterious favoritism.
You are doing the right thing!
Telling your story to friends and working for perspective and your own understanding. You are also trying different relationships to experience others' tolerances and emotional abilities... but you are not staying to be abused for life. Keep up the good work!

[mattador.livejournal.com]

Replace 'father' for 'mother' and, well, suffice to say I understand.

And I, at least, think it looks like a whole Hell of a lot, added up.

*hugs*

[juliansinger.livejournal.com]

I growl at your mother.

(There's also the controlling weight stuff to consider. But this stuff *waves upwards* is pretty... emotionally abusive... all on its own.)

[paper-crystals.livejournal.com]

Parents, teachers etc. should never, ever, EVER, EVAAAAR call a child stupid. I don't care if they have Downs Syndrome. It shouldn't be done.

*hugs*

[nevacaruso.livejournal.com]

Just because these things are "small" doesn't mean that you're not allowed to be hurt by them. And I agree with paper_crystals that her calling you "stupid" was very much Not On.

I'm glad you told us. *hugs*

[miraba.livejournal.com]

WTF. Just WTF.

[chainkill.livejournal.com]

None of us can give you the hugs you need at the moment. Do you think the hugs we can give you will suffice?

[mllelaurel.livejournal.com]

I don't consider any of that 'small stuff'. The thing with your hands I'd call downright criminal (and I do mean that in a legal sense - denying necessary medical care doesn't look great in front of a jury). And as someone who also has (albeit non-parent-based) problems regarding crying in public, can I just say you Don't Do That Shit To Your Own Kid!

[akycha.livejournal.com]

The things my mother did -- I will not bother with a list -- were all of the same order and magnitude. I do not think this is a small thing.

Demonstrated in the fact that I have not spoken to her in about thirteen years, and have no plans to do so in the future.

I knew people who were still in contact with family members who had physically tormented them, raped them, and in one case attempted to murder them. So I do understand when it seems like what has happened to you is "small things."

But you cannot measure pain. You can only experience it, and then try to get over it.

Dicksizing in this area is useless, perhaps most so when you are doing it to yourself.

[fibro-witch.livejournal.com]

Don't know if you caught up with my post today, but I feel just about the same about my family as you do.

I am still being 'blamed' for the death of my 2 year old brother. I was 4 at the time. I turned 49 in August, and still get shitty comments from my mother's family. Her brother in law (my uncle) died last week and she dragged me down and let her mother and sister tell me what a piece of shit I still am. Until I had to get the hell out.

My aunt looked at a picture of my dog, and asked me if I let him run in traffic too?

I got up and walked out. I have not spoken to either of them in over a decade (since my bastard of a grandfather died) I will never do so again.

You don't need it, but I totally think you should change your phone number and never ever speak to her again.

the best revenge is living well

[hohaiyee.livejournal.com]

You are awesome. Please take care. You will outlive her. One day you will be able to afford really fancy clothes, to wear when they lower her into the ground where she will rot and it will be over. Unless you are poor Norman Bates.

I always want to hit people for telling their /children/, "stop feeling sorry for yourself". There is people who needs to hear it, say, dry drunk George W. Bush, but even he wouldn't deserve hearing it from his PARENTS. Parents are suppose to care for their children.