(no subject)

[letterblade]

So there's something I need to say.

Needed to say for a while, actually, but this is one of those things one simply isn't supposed to talk about, certainly not openly, for fear of how people will take it, how people will react. Because one is not supposed to hurt or frighten or worry one's friends, and this? Is one of those things that always does. And that's at best; at worst, it gets you locked up. But--it's become so big that I can't not talk about it. I'm tired of hiding it for propriety's sake. I want to be able to just stand up and say it.

I am suicidally depressed.

I need to slap a few disclaimers on this, in the process of trying not to freak people out.

Disclaimer 1: I am not currently a risk. I have dealt with this life-threatening brain-monster for a while now. And I know how immensely wide the gap can be for me, the gap between thinking and acting, which can be a good or a bad thing, depending upon the circumstances, and which has saved my life many a time. Yes, there is a part of my brain which frequently busies itself informing me that I should die, that it would simplify things, and that it's about what I deserve anyway; but it's a part that's very far from my acting consciousness.

(Looking at myself and what keeps me going, there are three things that could happen that could close that gap: developing crippling writer's block, losing my job or having it become unbearable, or living alone or having a living situation become unbearable. None of those are immediately likely to happen, as far as I know, but all of those could be symptomatic if my depression keeps getting worse. If those things start happening? Like, more than one at a time? It's checking myself in for watch time.)

Disclaimer 2: This is not news. This has been going on for years, with various stages of remission, most of them dependent upon positive close relationships. (Hell, I thought it was gone entirely earlier this year, but then Eric dumped me.) Those of you who know me better will probably not be surprised in the least. Between the hour before you read this and the hour after you read this, nothing has changed about me. In other words, please, if it is possible for you to do so, do not freak out. Please. You don't need to.

Disclaimer 3: There's pretty much nothing you can do. This is the worst one, I know. I don't want to talk about it; even if I wasn't incredibly paranoid about letting friends help me, I am not much for the sharing of pain, and I don't want this brain-monster to eat even more of my life than it has. I can't trust anyone to help me unless I'm paying them (because when I do, people dump me), and there's not much anyone can say at the moment to shake my profoundly deep-seated belief that I'm a worthless and horrible person (for utterly irrational reasons, yes, but it's not like reason ever influences belief.)

I'm sorry. I've got a horrible life-threatening brain-monster of a disease, and I'm sorry that those around me are affected by it. And--yeah. It's there. In my head. Maybe if I tell the world, it'll get scared and hide. Or something.

Hi, I'm Tory, and I'm suicidally depressed.

First step, eh? Step 1.5, though, is convincing yourself that you deserve to get better. That you shouldn't just keep suffering because you deserve every second of it. That one I'm still working on.

This post is public and commentable, for the moment. It's the sort of thing I'd normally friendslock and turn comments off on. But that's a sort of cowardice too. Hiding. Not what I'm trying to do right now.

This is one of the hardest things I've ever written.

Comments

[tudorlady.livejournal.com]

Okay - I have more experience with this than I wish I had. Both in myself, and with friends.

I know the feeling that there isn't anything anyone can do - and there isn't, really, because anything that will help you depends entirely on your cooperation. If I were within driving distance, I'd be on my way, even though you hardly know me and I'm probably older than your mom. However, I do know a lot about depression. Much more than I wish I did.

What I can do is listen. So, talk.

[wired-lizard.livejournal.com]

I have no idea who you are at all, but you are not, in fact, older than my mom. Just for the record!

Talk? Lord, I may have used up all my talking for a while. And it's already past my bedtime, and I'm exhausted. But. Talking. Um.

The brain-monster keeps telling me that I'll never be good enough. Not for anyone to want me. I've had three major, long-term relationships end in the past five months, none of them by my wish. (One of the potential problems with polyamory: multi-breakup-pileup.) Two of them don't talk to me and treat me like a psychotic criminal. One of them threw me out of the house homeless and unemployed in Boston in February. The one who is still talking to me is the one who kept me sane through that, and then left me for another girl and broke my fucking heart; I loved him more than I thought I could love somebody, and it was really, honestly, changing my life and the entire way I perceived and treated myself, and then, bam. I want someone to love and trust, but after that--?

The brainmonster says that I'm flaky and selfish and ugly and there must be a reason, isn't there, that everybody dumps me once they spent a few months or years with me? Obviously I'm a horrible, horrible person, deep down, and once somebody gets close enough all they see is how irresponsible and unreliable and hurtful and perverted I am, and then they get the fuck out like they damn well should.

Talking. I'm falling asleep on the keyboard. (In the perfectly all right way. Just so tired.)

[tudorlady.livejournal.com]

You know, I'm not sure how I got here either. I wasn't even sure how your post turned up on my screen, it was just THERE - I read it and answered it because I couldn't not do that.


there must be a reason, isn't there, that everybody dumps me once they spent a few months or years with me? Obviously I'm a horrible, horrible person, deep down, and once somebody gets close enough all they see is how
I know this feeling too well. It's a lie that the part of us that envies and fears the good in us tries to put over. It's a lie. Because the good in you is strong and kind, ans sometimes, even the strong and the kind get very tired. It's okay to take a break, take a nap. Gather your strength. Do what you need to do, okay?

[feste-sylvain.livejournal.com]

I did not know this, but I did suspect it.

My opinion of you has not changed.

[wired-lizard.livejournal.com]

Mild surprise, at the suspecting, though I guess that depends upon how much you read my journal.

Yay!

[feste-sylvain.livejournal.com]

No, my ex was suicidally depressed. She suicided on her 31st birthday. Her wake was 12 hours before my first daughter was born.

[akycha.livejournal.com]

I know that I am not a close friend of yours, but I have also struggled with depression and I am more than willing to talk about it with you if you wish. Please feel free to email or call anytime.

It's a terrible thing to have to deal with and it can be really difficult for people who haven't experienced it to understand that you cannot wish/make/work/eat/starve/force yourself out of it.

[akycha.livejournal.com]

Which isn't to say that there aren't things one can do; it's just that so many people assume there's some sort of magic bullet which fixes it all instantly.

[quigonejinn.livejournal.com]

I have nothing helpful or even remotely relevant to offer, but wanted to leave a note to let you know that I read this and am not here just for the fandom.

[mentalhygiene.livejournal.com]

You don't have to be sorry; we (most of us) I think understand -- your brain chemistry being awry is not your fault, and the fact that it will always be awry except for being medicated, also not your fault. It's just how that rolls. I understand needing to hide, and needing to make everything go away sometimes.

I am glad that the gap is unlikely to close, because you are clever and smart and funny and deserve treatment to help keep the gap very, very, very gapped indeed.

*hug*

oh, and tudorlady seems to have come here via me. She is good people, as far as we can see.

[ghostangel.livejournal.com]

This, like a couple of commenters is familiar territory for me. For me, I take medication that keeps that razor edge dull enough. But. It isn't for everyone. What works for me might not work for you.

That said though, there have been some times when I have went off of it, and the feeling of uselessness is familiar. I agree with your step 1.5--you deserve to get help if you feel you need it. I also however know that talking doesn't always help, but if you need to, know that there are people who will listen. :)

I came for the fandom waaaaaaaaaay back like a year ago, but I've come to like you as a person too, not just another person in fandom ^^

[triedandwired.livejournal.com]

I can't trust anyone to help me unless I'm paying them (because when I do, people dump me), and there's not much anyone can say at the moment to shake my profoundly deep-seated belief that I'm a worthless and horrible person (for utterly irrational reasons, yes, but it's not like reason ever influences belief.)

This is VERY common. Most people who know they NEED therapy/medication are afraid to express anything about their mental health to their friends and family for fear that their family will judge them, be afraid of them, and consequentially abandon or mistreat them. No one wants to be treated like a walking illness, glass doll, or bomb - and when one is suicidally depressed as you are, it's hard to open up for fear of these reactions.

You cannot predict how people will react. What you CAN do is gague WHO in your life will be positively receptive to you opening yourself up little by little to them.

Everyone needs someone to talk with because keeping everything inside does NOT help - trust me. And you do not need to open up to THAT many people - but as long as you have a few close friends who you can trust, sometimes that is all you need to keep you safer from exploding out from yourself when bottling up your feelings becomes impossible.

And yes, there will always be those people in your life you judge you, or are not receptive to your expression, but closing yourself off to everyone for fear that a FEW will not understand is not productive.

I DO understand your fear because I went through a similar fear for YEARS with my eating disorder. It took me falling off the deep edge almost to make me understand I NEEDED to open up to others, seek help, and start opening up to my friends.

So... in short, I understand you when you say "I can't trust anyone to help me unless I'm paying them." Also, I understand the feeling you have of there not being much anyone can do or say to make it better because sometimes, it just feels that your self-loathing is so intense, that no amount of love or logic could break you from it. I get that way ALL the time (see LJ lol)

So please, take what I say to heart if you can. I have been where you are and slip back and forth to it from time to time. But trust me, once I started opening up (here and in RL), I started to feel more at ease in my life because those who did not appreciate and respect me for who I am... well... I said bye bye to them. And those who truly love and care for me will not judge me and mistreat me due to my being open and honest about my strife.

So please, feel free to open up to me here or on FB any time.

<3

[gabby-silang.livejournal.com]

So I don't even know if I've commented before? quigonejinn clued me into your great writing, and then here I was. But I want to comment now, to tell you something you already probably know, but it never hurts to hear: you're very, very not alone. Ever. In something like this. I've dealt with that particular brain-monster myself many times over the years, for varying times, varying extremes, varying degrees of success (but I'm still kicking, so I guess I still win), and I know many, many people, many in fandom in fact, who have as well. And if you ever feel like talking about it more, please don't ever feel that this isn't the place. It's your journal, it's your place, and we're listening, and we give a shit. So, yeah. Kick at the darkness, girl.

HELLO THERE.

[callunav.livejournal.com]

This is one of the most lucid, useful posts on this kind of subject I have ever seen. I already respected you, and the respect has gone up a notch. Your ability to be straight-forward about what is and is not an issue, your setting gentle, friendly limits (which I assume will stay gentle and friendly exactly up until the moment when someone doesn't get it without a baseball bat) about what is and is not going to be a useful response to you, and, in comments, your ability to start talking about some of the depressive messages/thoughts and where they lead you--it's all pretty damned impressive.

Which doesn't mean you're not miserable and in that rotten position of knowing you're in need but not knowing of anything you or anyone you're talking to can do to do to meet those needs. It sucks. I'm sorry.

I think, in retrospect, that my big clue should have been the absolutely frenetic pace at which you've been churning out and immersing yourself in fic. Am I wrong? It seems as though you turn to things you can get positive feedback for which you can believe you've earned; if people express affection for you, well, that's risky stuff. But if people express admiration for your having done something which you know you do well, that's better.

Or, you know, I could be totally wrong.

Depression is the pits. It's like emotional nausea - not pain, but something almost worse than pain, utterly intolerable and yet without alternatives. I'm really sorry it's such a frequent feature of your life.

Please keep talking. I believe you when you said this post was one of the hardest things you've ever written, but I can't help believing that the force that pushed you through that difficulty is a...a sort of pit-of-the-stomach wisdom which is what saves lives. So please, keep doing the hard thing, and keep talking. Shame and self-hating thoughts are, in my experience, anaerobic organisms: expose them to the air, and they start to collapse in on themselves and die away. It's horribly hard, but it does work. I hope even this post will give you some relief.

If just taking care of yourself in a daily kind of way is hard - eating enough, maintaining a sleep schedule which is healthy for you, having clean clothes to wear, letting sunlight into your room, getting to work on time - if the basic life maintenance things are getting difficult or haphazard and if you feel like it, talk to me: that's something I've had to deal with a lot of in myself - not always because of depression, but anxiety and depression can share that quality of finding daily life purely overwhelming - and can chat with you about a lot of different coping mechanisms I've tried which may give you ideas for yourself.

Do you have (or need?) meds? Do you have a therapist? If not, can anyone give you some practical assistance in getting them?

Don't answer any of this if it's not the right thing for you. But if focus on putting one foot in front of the other, at a pragmatic level, is the kind of thing you could use and could accept, I hope you'll ask - me, or anyone else.

Take care.

[mytheria.livejournal.com]

I'm proud of you. Public announcements of struggles with mental health aren't easy.
I know it's hard at the moment, but you aren't alone in this struggle. Know that more people understand what you're experiencing than might let on.

If you need help brainstorming how to get a routine for getting meals and meds and sleep and recharges to line up, let me know.

[nevacaruso.livejournal.com]

Hi, Tory.

I have nothing else to say, other than: you're very brave for posting this publicly (I quite understand the need to hide between f'lock and disabled comments); and I will continue to try to be there for you in all the ways that I can.

[miraba.livejournal.com]

It's good that you can talk about it. If you can't trust people whom you aren't paying, could you trust people who are/have been in your situation? Not friends, but not strangers, and definitely the people most likely to understand what you don't want to say.

[paper-crystals.livejournal.com]

Hi Tory.

This is not news. I get it. I still love you as my friend and I think you are a great person and fun to be around. And I hope you get the help you need.

And next time I am in Boston we need to hang out. I like seeing you. I don't get to see you that often. :(

[chainkill.livejournal.com]

If there is time the next time Rachel is in town, I would like to hang out with both of you. I say "if there is time" because I know Rachel will want one-on-one time with you, and also will have other obligations just by being in the city, I'm sure.

Because I know that talking about this kind of thing directly has never been helpful to me, my general response to any sort of depressive post is usually just, "Feel better."

Feel better.

[belgatherial.livejournal.com]

I'm veryvery new to your journal, and have nothing useful to say except that I am listening. But I did want to say I read this, and admire you for saying it.

[ratatosk.livejournal.com]

Hey, best wishes. I have actually been there, and it sucks, and it's incredibly frustrating that there are so many resources for the actually suicidal, but much fewer for those just short of it. You have my sympathy.

[rigel.livejournal.com]

Oh hai.

Also been there.

I r not skeered!

I also agree that it sucks warm sick through a short straw, and that the resources are very poor for those in that place.

[amysuemom.livejournal.com]

Feh. I tried 3 or 4 X to comment effectively and sucked. Disclaimer 3 is the best explanation of the situation I;ve seen in a long time. So, I get that saying you are worthwhile and valued is not overly useful, but it needed to be said. and you're much braver than I ever was or would be, not to mention literate.

Be well.

[cosmicbiscuit.livejournal.com]

Saw this coming, but that doesn't make things any easier for you. But I am proud of you. Admitting to an audience that there's a problem is just as important as admitting it to yourself. And you did it in a much better manner than I did (though we won't go into that), which is a step in the right direction.

[ysabel.livejournal.com]

For what it's worth, I've been there. I understand. And I am glad to know you, for all that it hasn't been long.

[pseydtonne.livejournal.com]

Hey, it's just Dante. You've been very brave to admit this to other humans. I am proud of you.

I have had my own dealings with depression and the less-understood paranoia. You are among friends.

[smithy161.livejournal.com]

*Brings you cyber-tea*

That step 1.5 is a bitch. I wish you all the luck in the world.

[rain-herself.livejournal.com]

Congratulations on your extreme courage and bravery. You do deserve to get better, and I think posting this shows that you know that at some level. I'm very impressed.

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

*hugs you fiercely* I know the feeling. No, seriously, for all my coping up a storm, I do; there are times when Elayna's the only thread tying me to shore...

And I already know about you.

And I friend-love you anyway. A whole lot.

And I've been here through all of this year's storms, and... none of 'em were things you deserved, hon. You know my opinion on the C & C situation. E... was just terrible, horrible timing, lending to breakup pileup.

We're here. You have so many people who care about you. You can come curl up on my couch anytime.

[jennifer.livejournal.com]

I have been there so many times I've lost count, including most of 2007 and big chunks of 2008.

And I understand the "No, I am not at risk, but still find myself occasionally wanting to jump in front of that train." mentality.

I also have futons you can curl up on, a cat you can pet, lots of tea, a me to hug, and pillows to hug, should you want to partake of any of them.

I know I've only just met you, but.

[anansigirltoo.livejournal.com]

So much love, seriously. And well fucking done for getting this written and out there. (Hi! I'm not just here for fandom either) *hugs, hard*

this is one of those things one simply isn't supposed to talk about, certainly not openly, for fear of how people will take it, how people will react.

For the record, this changes nothing at all about my perceptions of you. As far as I'm concerned (I used to work in this field) suicidal depression is a disease most often resulting from chemical imbalance, just like diabetes or hypothyroidism or suchlike. It's a pain in the arse to live with - but it doesn't make you unworthy, or a failure, or attention-seeking, or any of that crap spouted by society in general and reinforced by your brain-monster.

You most definitely do deserve to get better, because you're awesome and amazing. (I'm not kidding, if you need proof hit me up and I'll write you the 2,000+ word manifesto *g*) *hugs* Good luck with step 1.5!

[delerone.livejournal.com]

This is incredibly brave.

I've been there, too. Looking over the comments here, it surprises me how many people have been there as well. I understand, as much as one person can understand what another person's going through, and I don't think less of you for it.

One of the things its taken me a long time to figure out is that it isn't wrong to worry one's friends, if one is in fact feeling bad. If the simple fact of my depression hurts a friend of mine, that friend needs to get help for her own issues, because that's weird, to feel hurt because a friend is sick. Don't feel bad for talking about what you're feeling or asking for help. The people who care about you want to listen, and want to help. I don't know you well, but I care about you. I'll help you if I can.

Practical stuff. I've read disclaimer #1, but I wish that someone had told me when I was in that state to throw away the straight razors/stop keeping bottles of pills around/break that habit of standing on top of high buildings/etc. It's never a bad idea to take some early preventative measures. Don't give the brain monsters anything to work with, you know?

I'm a big proponent of professional help. I went from psychotically depressed and chronically suicidal to sane! and normal! and other things that I never thought I'd ever be, and I credit a large part of that to my drugs and therapy. (Of course, you have to work for it, too, but I think that they made it possible.) If you want to get professional help, I'd be happy to help you get referrals and set up appointments. I suspect a lot of your friends would as well. It's hard to do it all yourself, and in my experience, friends are happy to have something constructive they can do to help.

If you want to talk, I'm listening. I remember what it feels like to drown in that stuff. Let me know if I can help you, and even if I can't, I'm sending you all of my goodwill and good wishes. *hugs*

[eustaciavye.livejournal.com]

Nothing to say that is different or new except that you are always welcome here if you need company or support. And because I have had struggles with one particular bit of the depression monster I want to remind you that you do NOT need to be happy to hang out with me. You're welcome here if you're happy, sad, angry, frightened, depressed, on fire... well maybe not on fire, the house is wooden but anything short of on fire.

[melannen.livejournal.com]

I originally came here for fandom, and I know I haven't spoken up much in your journal. But, speaking as someone who had a period where one reason it stayed idle imaginings was that I knew that there were other people who would be hurt worse if I died than if I stayed: here is one more person who would care very deeply if you went away. And who is not going to judge you for anything you feel ready to share.

(And hooray you for being able to talk about it even this much! I never did.)

[heavenscalyx.livejournal.com]

I'm here, and I'm listening, and I don't think -- I have NEVER thought -- that you are a horrible person. And I would miss you terribly if anything happened to you.

The best way I ever found of dealing with my suicidal depressions was to spend some time being shallow and not thinking. Hell, the thing that saved my life in the worst depression of my life was a freaking Whitney Houston song that was being overplayed on top 40 radio. Whenever I needed to shut my brain off, there it was, ready and available to be sung along with. Driving commutes are terrible for thinking -- the train was always better for me because I could read.

[mllelaurel.livejournal.com]

That? Was both very brave and one of the best ways of communicating the reality of depression I've seen yet.

And yeah, I've been there - and don't talk about it for much the same reasons you've enumerated.

If anything, you posting this makes me respect you more rather than less - and I already respected you a good deal.

Take care of yourself.

[prettyarbitrary.livejournal.com]

One of the worst things about feeling bad is not being able to voice it because you're afraid it'll change how people relate to them--and when you feel bad, you need them so badly, and yet you're less able to trust them than ever. And it can be a tossup whether it'd be worse to have them freak out and run away, or freak out and swarm all over you with useless sympathy.

Depression is a condition, it's not who you are. I get that, and I know sometimes the best anybody can do is to just be there. So here I am. Not just here for fandom.

There's so much good we can never see about ourselves. Sometimes I wish I could get into peoples' heads and show them how beautiful they really are, the sheer magnificent uniqueness that they bring to the world.

[ewin.livejournal.com]

One of the things my therapist made me promise, years ago, was that I would tell people. I tell people, when I'm in danger. I tell people, when I think there's a chance I'll be in danger in a near while.

And it's always embarrassing, and it always feels like I'm freaking people out for no reason, and it always feels like I'm being a drama queen. Sometimes I don't know why I do it.

The only benefit I've seen so far is that, by logging it, and by putting it out where people can see it, I'm not granting it the status that I'd grant something deeply, darkly shameful. It more has the status of hemorrhoids: something embarrassing, but also something not-my-fault... and also something other people have had to go through. It comes in waves. It passes.

I'm sorry to hear you're a sufferer, too. *hug*

[ayalanya.livejournal.com]

*snuggle* Still here.

[ayalanya.livejournal.com]

(Weird, actually. Another friend is dealing with this too. She prefers dark humor and simple acknowledgment of continued presence, but maybe that's not your thing. What do you prefer? I mean, obviously, you're not looking for people to fawn all over you and treat you like glass, but...how do you prefer to be treated when talking about such things?)

[tenshikurai9.livejournal.com]

Not here for the fandom. Quite the opposite in fact.

[mattador.livejournal.com]

Not news to me, and I still love you and think you're awesome and really want to hang out whenever I make it out to Boston to do novel research.

And if there ever is anything I can do to help, let me know. I genuinely enjoy riding to the rescue, and have not yet figured out if that's a character flaw or part of what makes me awesome (my ego = definitely a character flaw).

[cahalith.livejournal.com]

I came here for the fandom in-god, 2003, 2004?- but I read you not just for fic, but because I care about your life. I care about you as a person, I respect you as a person, and I think you're smart and hot and intriguing. We're not very close and don't talk outside of LJ comments, but I still respect you.

I have these same demons. I feel the same feeling you describe. You've put them into words, and I admire the fact that you can state them, that you can be honest enough to admit it. I think this shows how courageous you are.

If I can ever do anything to help, feel free to get in touch with me.