Today was...

[letterblade]

...bad.

I need to be better at remembering that I'm not allowed to feel things.

A whole lot of petty frustrations and humiliations at work, stoking up a deep, violent anger. Never wanted to attack strangers at random in the street before. Don't know where that came from. And nothing, absolutely nothing at all I could do with it. Except turn it inwards where it belongs.

(I won't actually. At least I'm about 99% sure I won't actually, just like I'm about 99% sure I won't actually kill myself. The gap between thinking and doing can be very, very wide with me. And that's a good or a bad thing, depending upon context.)

I...know I'm pretty good, by now. I know I'm reasonably attractive, and interesting, and decent company for at least some sorts of people. But I also know I'm not good enough, never will be. And I'm so fucking tired of all this shit.

Monogamy, or even individual people being wired mono, puts people in direct competition. Only the best one gets it. And I'm always second best. Or third, or fifth, or none. Never first.

With polyamory, it's just more insidious. A sort of friendly competition. And the second best still gets it, possibly quite a lot of it. At least for a while. Until the new shiny comes along. Until they let the relationship die a slow and painful death over months with the new shiny and decide you're too much trouble to have around and move onto the improved version. Because even if they're poly, they still don't want you when they find better.

I'm some sort of fucking gateway drug. People find better and dump me. I suppose I should just accept this. Put out a sign--lucky charm: fuck me, you'll find somebody you actually like in a few months. I should know better by now than to want anything for myself. At least my friends will benefit. And I'll have more free time for writing. Not that that's as fun as it used to be either. But I...selfish of me...want love...

I still prefer polyamory. Betters the odds that I at least get something for a little while. (Although it does have the downside of the long painful relationship festering.) Once I'm ready to enter the godawful fucking rat race again, that is. There's a part of me that really, really wants to, in part just to prove that I'm not too broken to. There's a part of me that wants to curl up and die before letting anyone touch me ever again, because I'm afraid that I am.

And there's one guy who does want to--fuck knows why, with how horribly messed up I'm been about stuff (not even relationships, just open friendships, sex, anything) recently--and he's cute and nice and there's a part of me that wants to, and he does not deserve this shit.

Still trying.

Necessity is the bane of my life. When I am doing things only out of necessity, it drains the joy out of everything. And right now, I am living out of necessity.

In the non sequitur department, it just occurred to me that slow and long are tagged as opposites in my mind, and it took me a moment to trace that back to taping Star Trek off the TV when I was small.

Comments

[mattador.livejournal.com]

*hugs* You're an amazing girl. You are not "reasonably attractive" and "interesting," you are gorgeous and fascinating. I wish that I knew the right words to unlock that knowledge in you, to remind you that you do deserve things to be wonderful- and that the lack is not a problem within you (except, perhaps, bad luck) but with those who have treated you so poorly.

I am proud to know you, and glad to be your friend. If that was going to change, it would have done so by now. Maybe not in the way you need, but I do love you- love talking to you or reading what you write, because you always make me think, make my mind do a quarter-turn and examine things differently. I'm probably not good at showing it, and given how little contact we have, I find it a bit strange myself, but you're one of my absolute favorite people, and have been almost from the moment we first talked.

I agree with you fully about necessity, and hope you can find the room for some frivolity and whimsy in your life before too long.

♥

[nevacaruso.livejournal.com]

It is more than okay to feel violent and furious in your situation. I know it's scary; I'd be worried if it didn't scare you, but it sounds like you actually have a good handle on what it means and how far it'll go.

It is absolutely not selfish to want to be loved. Like Matt said: you're smart and beautiful and interesting and talented and loving, and I have faith that you'll find someone compatible who recognizes and appreciates all those things in you, but I hope that (with room for doubts, which everyone has) you learn to recognize them in yourself.

I wish that there was something that I could do to make all of this easier for you. Please let me know if you think there is. Just *big hugs* for now.

[heavenscalyx.livejournal.com]

Others have already said this, but you are far and away superior to reasonably attractive, and interesting, and decent company for at least some sorts of people. You are smart, lovely, and witty, and exceedingly shiny, and I would like to kick all the people who have made you feel otherwise.

I do hate the fact that monogamy is so societally-programmed nowadays. Actual, functional polyamory is rare and really fucking hard to do right. It takes a lot of time and communication and effort that many folks just aren't inclined to do. I'm sorry you keep encountering people who are either wired mono or not willing to do the poly negotiation properly.

[tenshikurai9.livejournal.com]

I wonder how long the subsequent relationships have lasted in people who went-on to other people?

[chainkill.livejournal.com]

I know we have only hung out a couple of times, but that is not due to a lack of desire to do so on my part. More laziness ;-p. Anyways.

I believe I've already informed you that you're one of the more attractive girls in the Somerville area. My girlfriend has commented several times how much she enjoys reading your livejournal (she gets bored at work and reads my friends page a lot). As everyone is saying, you're beautiful and wonderfully interesting.

By the way, I have a movie night on Tuesdays, to which anyone is invited. Drop me a line sometime, we'd love to have you.

[paper-crystals.livejournal.com]

You are beautiful. You have the most lovely hair and lovely body. It would be a privilege for anyone to date you.

You are interesting, you write excellent slash, you are intelligent and you have a fantastic reading list. Two of the books that you have recommended to me have made it onto my top books of all time list. (Art and Lies and House of Leaves) You are very competent and over time you have shown this by how you have dealt with very difficult situations. You learn from your mistakes and you grow from when you are hurt.

I am sure one day you will find the right person for you.

[amberite.livejournal.com]

Sorry a bit late, but...

With polyamory, it's just more insidious. A sort of friendly competition. And the second best still gets it, possibly quite a lot of it. At least for a while. Until the new shiny comes along. Until they let the relationship die a slow and painful death over months with the new shiny and decide you're too much trouble to have around and move onto the improved version. Because even if they're poly, they still don't want you when they find better.

This makes me want to sharpen my knives and find the bastard serial monogamists who are passing themselves off as "poly" and spoiling MY/OUR good names.

Jerks unfortunately turn up in all subcultures, orientations, shapes and sizes.