Discerning a pattern.

[letterblade]

Every time so far that I've dated somebody who didn't have a strong, functional primary relationship at the time, they wound up, in whatever way, leaving me for somebody else they were also dating.

Hunh. What am I, a gateway drug?

Mostly, at this particular moment, what I make of this is that I should never expect anything to last. Not even last forever, but last more than a few months, maybe a year, until they find somebody better. Every moment I'm with somebody, I need to be prepared for them to disappear. When they find a new partner, no matter how it seems, I have to let go of any hope or expection of anything.

And I'm not going to start dating mono--I'm not wired like that, I'm just not. I don't want to place restrictions on the actions of others, or be with people who restrict themselves; I'd rather go through the pain of division.

It's what I get for always being second best, I suppose.

For I am divided for love's sake, for the chance of union.

This is the creation of the world, that the pain of division is as nothing, and the joy of dissolution all.*

But can I do this? Can I keep putting myself through the pain of division, over and over--because it's not nothing, damn it, this is the worst thing to happen during all this shit--knowing it's going to happen? Will knowing it's going to happen, expecting it, make it easier--will I actually be able to hold back enough to survive that, over and over?

I don't know.

Reformulating self, day by day.

Spent half of day feeling sick to my stomach. Is Beltane. We'd planned, months ago, to celebrate it together. Instead I'm moving again, alone, and he's spending the night with New Girl.

Meh.

[* Book of the Law, I.30-31]

Comments

[heavenscalyx.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry things are sucking so much for you. I wish I could think of something useful to say. I think that you are vastly underestimating yourself, and I cannot possibly expand on this enough with the minimal brainjuice I have right now. I send hugs, if you want them, and tea and crumpets and a good book, if not (or in addition).