(no subject)

[letterblade]

So my mother just called me.

She's in Florida, with my father (so I'm alone in the house, having to again beg rides to and from work), celebrating my grandmother's ninetieth birthday. (I, of course, was not invited; they don't take me anywhere anymore, and there's no way I could go myself.) And, being my mother, she called to do exactly one thing: bitch me out. Apparently my grandmother feels disconnected from me, feels like I don't care, to the point where she's considering cutting me out of her will. And, being my mother, she ordered me to write her tonight. (Which I will probably do tomorrow, due to remix, but no way was I going to try to explain that to her.)

But this isn't even a mother rant, not really.

I like my grandmother, though I haven't seen her in quite some time as she lives permanently in Florida now (used to do the snow goose thing). She's very nice, with an artistic streak under all her old-fashioned ladyhood. I remember once when I was about thirteen or so, during one of the visits to her place in Massachusetts, her asking me, quite delicately, if she could ask me a "personal question." Of course, being thirteen and slightly paranoid, I assume she's going to ask me if I'd gotten my period, which I recently had, so it was on my mind. But no, she asked if I cooked.

At the time I didn't. Now I do.

But what the fuck am I supposed to write her now? I cook, yes. I don't do much else. What am I supposed to say? Dear Grandmother, I haven't written because I've been feeling isolated and helpless and suicidally depressed, and my girlfriend best friend of two years suddenly abandoned me, and I'm doing absolutely nothing with my life except going slowly insane. I have trouble connecting to people at all, because I'm all shy and paranoid, but even more so over distances, even more so by letter. And I hate burdening people with this, especially my family, especially people outside of my little circle of internet friends who are at least used to it. I used to write you long letters about all my accomplishments, all the fun things I do, but I don't have any anymore, not since I graduated. I mop the floor in a cafe, and I go home and hide in my pigstye of a room and try not to cry. That's all. I can't even write anymore. And I didn't want you to know. I'm so ashamed, and I didn't want you to know.

I knit. Sometimes. That's the best part. Knitting. And sometimes I cook. But I am so sad, and so afraid, and so broken, and I don't want you to know anything about me until I'm better, until I have a life worth boasting about again. Because now I'm just living off of handouts, stupid and useless, and I know I was supposed to be better, and I'm so sorry. I'm so very sorry.

But, god, I don't think she wants to hear that. So what do I do? Lie?

And this on top of the remix, which is due in two hours, and now I don't even want to go near it, I just want to curl up and cry and maybe try to write something coherent to my grandmother.

Comments

[wikdsushi.livejournal.com]

***HUGS***

Honestly, I think that might be the best thing you could tell her. Maybe word it a little differently--tell her you want her to be proud of you, but you don't feel that's possible right now--but the overall message is probably the best one. If you can, it might be easier to call. (If nothing else, there won't be any hard evidence that your parents or others can get hold of.)

Don't worry about remix. You're more important. Fandom always comes second.

[bard-linn.livejournal.com]

As lame as it sounds, the weather is often a good place to start. ^^;;

You said you knit. What have you knitted? How did you get started? Ask her questions about what her house looks like, what she's doing, ect. Hm....

With the cooking thing, maybe looks at exchanging recipes? *tries to be helpful*

[paper-crystals.livejournal.com]

*HUGS*

I haven't spoken to my one living grandmother in years. I will not be of much help. But I wish you the best.

[juliansinger.livejournal.com]

I did better with this with in-person visits (and I think that if your parents expect you to communicate with her, they might perhaps invite you to come WITH them), but...

Yeah. Talk about knitting, talk about stuff you're doing (even the boring stuff-- the details of work, while backbreakingly boring to you, are at least something to /talk/ about), and, in among the cracks so it doesn't get overwhelming, write about the depression and despair. Not necessarily the specific causes, but yeah, "I want to connect to you, but it's so hard," and so on.

Glgh.

[heavenscalyx.livejournal.com]

(and I think that if your parents expect you to communicate with her, they might perhaps invite you to come WITH them)

Um, yeah, that was my first thought.

And the whole writing out of the will thing? Dysfunctional. Just sayin'.

In my experience, grandparents (and great-aunts, who are more my direct experience) are glad to get pretty much anything, really, letter-wise.

... huh. Speaking of which, I need to get my aunt's snail mail address. Thanks for reminding me in a train-of-thought sort of way.

[herongale]

I kinda wish you would send that letter to her. I can't imagine a grandma in the world who wouldn't be moved by it. :(

However... I can understand not wanting to burden her with your problems, so you might not want to be too detailed. But don't pretend to be happy when you are not. It's not a good idea to lie to family members, it just makes you feel more awful in the end.

Maybe you could tell her something like this:

"Hi Nana. You probably know that my mom told me that you've been worrying about me, and asked why I don't write to you.

You should know that I worry about that too; I love you, but right now I just can't write... not to you, not to anyone. It's not because I don't care about you, but it's because I don't have to right words to tell you how I am feeling and how I am doing, and I'm going through some things right now that I'd rather not burden you with.

I know it's not easy to be patient with me, and I'm afraid I've been letting you down now for a while. But I do really love you. I'm just working through some things for myself. Once I know how to talk about it with you, I promise I will. I promise."

Feel free to crib any of the ideas/words from this letter you'd like. *snugs hard* Please don't destroy yourself with guilt over this, in any case. It's only a letter. Whether you send a letter or not, I don't want you to end up hating yourself more.

[nevacaruso.livejournal.com]

Talk about knitting. Talk about cooking. (You could tell her about the Rice Pilaf That Was Really A Lot Of Additions With A Little Bit of Rice.) Talk about your big plans for moving out of the house, and your dreams for afterward. Ask her about her life down in Florida. Reminisce about funny shared memories - I know that my grandmothers love it when I do that. If you feel comfortable enough to do so, you could even tell her a little bit about your novel.

*hugs you lots*

[flamesword.livejournal.com]

*hugs you tightly* And this is why I talk as little as possible to most of my family.

[summerrose.livejournal.com]

Talk about knitting. Talk about cooking - who says the dishes you write about have to be ones you've cooked recently? Maybe talk about your plans for moving out? Talk about how you much you enjoyed visiting her when you were little. If there's a way to talk about it without making your mom sound bad, talk about wanting to visit her/wanting to come down for her birthday. Good luck.

[telepwen.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry that I couldn't come for you tonight, but the paper of DOOM is due in six hours and counting.

I will give you mad hugs tomorrow night, yeah? For sure for sure.

(For a minute there, I thought you meant that I had abandoned you, and I felt überguilty, so you have to let me hug you madly tomorrow. So there.)

[stickmarionette.livejournal.com]

From experience, tell her about the little things, the things that make life better. Knitting and cooking are okay. Tell her about your hopes for the future. Just a single page would mean a lot - at least she'll know you've been thinking of her.

[weemallard.livejournal.com]

You can always just tell her you love her and miss her. And knitting and cooking are always interesting! (Not that I'm biased or anything ...)

[mattador.livejournal.com]

I don't have any advice you haven't already been given in the above comments, so, just, *hugs*