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I'm probably going to regret this, but...
Oct. 21st, 2002 10:59 pm**RANTS**
Yeah, I haven't been here in a while.
Term from hell. By workload, that is. I'm currently not even worried about that. I could handle it if I wasn't so bloody dysfunctional.
Part of the dysfunctionality is, of course, my usual fucking escapism...I've found a new fandom, Harry Potter, already got one short piece up at FictionAlley and working on more, etcetera etcetera. I've been listening obssessively to new music. Mmm, Finnish folk music.
But the rest is that I've recently come to the conclusion that I'm an emotional cripple, a horrible student, and not that great a writer either.
The emotional cripple part is only sortof new. But for some reason recently I've been remembering all the really stupid things I've done. Like that flamewar over Lucas, and the shit I went through with Eak. Back in the day, I know. But it still really sticks with me. And I've realized that I have no friends who are emotionally close to me here at Bennington. I mean, there are people I hang with, and some people I'm very happy hanging with, and there's Caroline, but I still feel like the emotional-closeness-romantic-sexual-thingie side of my social life is totally nonexistent. (Except for a habit of staring at a pretty boy in my dreams class, but, well, like that's going to go anywhere, because I'm an idiot, and would probably never dare approach him, or, if I did, I'd fuck it up six ways to Sunday.) And ever since Lisa and I fizzled, I can't even pretend that I have a person. I feel like I want to be close to people, but I don't know how. My own shyness, and my abyssmal inexperience for one my age, and my total obliviousness, but mainly my own shyness, are the main reasons. I'm sure I'm reasonably nice and attractive, even though I perpetually hold the opinion that I'm an ugly idiot. I know it's a vicious circle, and I know it's my own fault, but I don't know how the hell to get out of it, how to function in a social group that's not SETI or not-emotionally-attached-people-to-hang-with-at-Bennington. And I'm practically on the verge of giving up, going off and being an old maid emotionally crippled artsy recluse type for the rest of my life, because that's all I think I'm worth.
As for the horrible student part, I've been not focusing on my classes in the least recently, especially the dreams course, and been doing an abyssmal job at getting things done when I'm supposed to, or even at all, especially for the dreams course. I guess I can expect a good midterm evaluation in 3D, and decent ones in piano and voice and semiotics, but Chris has absolutely no reason to give me anything other than "seems to do the reading, is vocal in class, but is too butt-lazy to get any written work done." It's not that the subject matter isn't interesting, he just gives abyssmally boring assignments, and the workload is killing me (technically I'm taking 16 credits, but they feel more like 18 or 20).
As for the writer part, that's the hardest. I've pulled myself through previous spates of "I suck donkey ass in everything but writing!" by focusing on the "writing" part, convincing myself I'm a bloody genius, and building my ego back up from there. But recently I think I've lost it--the spontaneity, the emotional involvement, the writing trance that could give me bloody brilliant scenes.
If it's any consolation, I'm putting more into my music. Maybe I'll give up and become a music and mythology and digital arts person rather than a writing and mythology and digital arts person. It's so hard to let go of that writing part though, even if I keep it up as a hobby. Ever since kindergarten, I knew I was going to be a writer.
I looked through my old novel tonight. It's a good story, and good characters. I still like it. A lot of the actual prose kindof sucks, and it is still relatively fragmentary. I want to write it again, but I'm afraid it'll be mediocre. Gah, I'm not sure I can even do SOC anymore. Stupid constipated brain.
I guess that's all for now.
I'm sorry I haven't been in better touch with folks, but I've been having a hellish term, workload-wise if nothing else, and I've been really out of it. I'm not going home for long weekend (this weekend), so I'm not going to see anybody.
Gah. I've never been through a "I am a socially crippled talentless polymath with no time management skills" and a "my writing sucks these days" phase at the same time. Ow. Ow ow ow ow ow ow. At least I have music right now--here's hoping I don't fuck up too badly at my performance tomorrow.
Should I see the shrink?
Sick with myself.
Yeah, I haven't been here in a while.
Term from hell. By workload, that is. I'm currently not even worried about that. I could handle it if I wasn't so bloody dysfunctional.
Part of the dysfunctionality is, of course, my usual fucking escapism...I've found a new fandom, Harry Potter, already got one short piece up at FictionAlley and working on more, etcetera etcetera. I've been listening obssessively to new music. Mmm, Finnish folk music.
But the rest is that I've recently come to the conclusion that I'm an emotional cripple, a horrible student, and not that great a writer either.
The emotional cripple part is only sortof new. But for some reason recently I've been remembering all the really stupid things I've done. Like that flamewar over Lucas, and the shit I went through with Eak. Back in the day, I know. But it still really sticks with me. And I've realized that I have no friends who are emotionally close to me here at Bennington. I mean, there are people I hang with, and some people I'm very happy hanging with, and there's Caroline, but I still feel like the emotional-closeness-romantic-sexual-thingie side of my social life is totally nonexistent. (Except for a habit of staring at a pretty boy in my dreams class, but, well, like that's going to go anywhere, because I'm an idiot, and would probably never dare approach him, or, if I did, I'd fuck it up six ways to Sunday.) And ever since Lisa and I fizzled, I can't even pretend that I have a person. I feel like I want to be close to people, but I don't know how. My own shyness, and my abyssmal inexperience for one my age, and my total obliviousness, but mainly my own shyness, are the main reasons. I'm sure I'm reasonably nice and attractive, even though I perpetually hold the opinion that I'm an ugly idiot. I know it's a vicious circle, and I know it's my own fault, but I don't know how the hell to get out of it, how to function in a social group that's not SETI or not-emotionally-attached-people-to-hang-with-at-Bennington. And I'm practically on the verge of giving up, going off and being an old maid emotionally crippled artsy recluse type for the rest of my life, because that's all I think I'm worth.
As for the horrible student part, I've been not focusing on my classes in the least recently, especially the dreams course, and been doing an abyssmal job at getting things done when I'm supposed to, or even at all, especially for the dreams course. I guess I can expect a good midterm evaluation in 3D, and decent ones in piano and voice and semiotics, but Chris has absolutely no reason to give me anything other than "seems to do the reading, is vocal in class, but is too butt-lazy to get any written work done." It's not that the subject matter isn't interesting, he just gives abyssmally boring assignments, and the workload is killing me (technically I'm taking 16 credits, but they feel more like 18 or 20).
As for the writer part, that's the hardest. I've pulled myself through previous spates of "I suck donkey ass in everything but writing!" by focusing on the "writing" part, convincing myself I'm a bloody genius, and building my ego back up from there. But recently I think I've lost it--the spontaneity, the emotional involvement, the writing trance that could give me bloody brilliant scenes.
If it's any consolation, I'm putting more into my music. Maybe I'll give up and become a music and mythology and digital arts person rather than a writing and mythology and digital arts person. It's so hard to let go of that writing part though, even if I keep it up as a hobby. Ever since kindergarten, I knew I was going to be a writer.
I looked through my old novel tonight. It's a good story, and good characters. I still like it. A lot of the actual prose kindof sucks, and it is still relatively fragmentary. I want to write it again, but I'm afraid it'll be mediocre. Gah, I'm not sure I can even do SOC anymore. Stupid constipated brain.
I guess that's all for now.
I'm sorry I haven't been in better touch with folks, but I've been having a hellish term, workload-wise if nothing else, and I've been really out of it. I'm not going home for long weekend (this weekend), so I'm not going to see anybody.
Gah. I've never been through a "I am a socially crippled talentless polymath with no time management skills" and a "my writing sucks these days" phase at the same time. Ow. Ow ow ow ow ow ow. At least I have music right now--here's hoping I don't fuck up too badly at my performance tomorrow.
Should I see the shrink?
Sick with myself.