what i shall have to edit out of the first draft of one of my term papers

[letterblade]

Am I going mad? I’ve never felt like this before. I can’t sleep--I overheat in a matter of seconds if covered, twitch endlessly while naked. I feel like I can’t even close my eyes. Caroline is tossing and turning and moaning. There is distant thunder and lightening. For a long time i saw the flashes without hearing the thundr., hought i might be going mad, thought i was seeing things. there’s some sort of beetle in my room. it clatters in the papers and crawls up onto the desk. when i see it a jump. i nearly scream loud. i want to do something brutal to it, just because it scared me, because i am in this mood. i want to feel the cold weight of the barrel of a gun against my head. i want to scream and scream and scream, at the top of my lungs, primal, without thinking. the thunder is still there. earlier, as i lay trying to sleep, there were people outside, with flutes, a tambourine, twisted, tinny, diabolical, gleeful little tunes, a slide flute wailing like a voice. that music was the scariest music i’ve ever heard. it made me want to scream and break things and turn on the lights. it’s almost two in the morning. how late will i stay awake? i cannot sleep. i cannot sleep. i am ready to do something vast and supernatural. the music stopped and there was the scraping of a shovel on the ground. silence for a bit, with the flashes of light that i didn’t know were lightning, then music gain. i never saw who was playing it except in my mind: twisted pale shapes, gambolling in the shadows, grotesque, yet real, very real, as real as humans, human and not human--the y were burying something i am sure. the thunder continues. i close my eyes and i see ngels, evangelion angels, hulking masses of indifferent destruction. the flashes continue. i woke up earlier pale, coated with sweat, so overheated i couldn’t stand up with strength and felt that i would throw up. should i turn off my computer? flash flash. but the thunder is so quiet. i want to turn off my computer. but i cannot sleep. cannot cannot cannot.my breathing is irregular. i don’t want to wake caroline. i don’t want to make the rest of the house think i’ve died. i just want to scream.
i’m almost cold. this is a good sign. if i’m cold and my eyes are drooping then i can sleep. if i am like this, if my mind is flashing and there are flutes--my god, the flutes! no! no! no! no! asathoth--no--i want to scream. caroline tosses in her sleep and maons mindlessly, scratches--i can hear her nails against her skin, clicking. the flutes are gone but they’re still in my mind. as long as i am like this, what can i do? type blindly? i hve the window windowshaded. i cannot see what i type. i type blind, no shift key, no thought. dear god, dear god. my stomach hurts. i cannot remember how many spaces i put in things. am i getting ready to sleep? i migth be. i might be.i just yawned. wow. i yawned. such a good sign.