This is the Tory under a rock
May. 24th, 2010 07:55 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
letterbladeAgh. I have been having one of THOSE weeks. Or week and change. Span of time. The kind of time wherein the thought of doing anything productive, or even hitting reply to an important email, makes me sick with stress and I can't deal with it at all.
I hate my brain.
I should probably start mainlining valerian or something. All I really need to cope with right now, aside from writing the game, is finding a new apartment and moving in a month. That should be easy. Am financially stable, can deal with unemployment after I move. It's not like I haven't been in far worse positions. And as far as my tremendous ability to angst about an unreplied-to email to the point where I think about it constantly but it's a white haze as far as what to say and I've already convinced myself that the person in question hates me for not getting back to them...ayyy. Stupid brain. It's like the not-in-school version of the procrastinating on the paper until you can't face doing it and want to talk to your professor about it but you can't face that either so you just don't turn it in and then screw yourself.
When I'm stressed, I tend to shut down communication. Stupid permanent mercury retrograde. And it makes people think I'm all rude and aloof and ignoring them and passive-aggressive, and then it stresses me out more that people might think of me badly, and. (And, yeah, it stresses me out that people might think of me badly when I don't know about it. Pathetic. But I have a long history of everything seeming fine and then getting dumped/kicked out/fired out of the blue, with no particular warning, because somebody has spent weeks or months being perpetually annoyed with me about something and hasn't talked with me about it or tried to fix it, just gotten rid of me. Or maybe they sent me a few emails, but didn't make it clear that this was a Big Deal. Or maybe they thought they made something clear but didn't because I was stupid. Or.)
Mostly I just kind of felt like posting something here as an indirect means of communication, because that gets around my brain blocks, I guess? Huh. I have so few brain blocks when it comes to LJ, and so many when it comes to most other means of communication. I suppose eventually my brain will block this too, but it's been years so far...
Alskdjflskdf. Need to go buy new tires, drive to Westboring, and water my mother's plants. She's paying me for house-sitting. Probably not enough to offset the tires though.
I hate my brain.
I should probably start mainlining valerian or something. All I really need to cope with right now, aside from writing the game, is finding a new apartment and moving in a month. That should be easy. Am financially stable, can deal with unemployment after I move. It's not like I haven't been in far worse positions. And as far as my tremendous ability to angst about an unreplied-to email to the point where I think about it constantly but it's a white haze as far as what to say and I've already convinced myself that the person in question hates me for not getting back to them...ayyy. Stupid brain. It's like the not-in-school version of the procrastinating on the paper until you can't face doing it and want to talk to your professor about it but you can't face that either so you just don't turn it in and then screw yourself.
When I'm stressed, I tend to shut down communication. Stupid permanent mercury retrograde. And it makes people think I'm all rude and aloof and ignoring them and passive-aggressive, and then it stresses me out more that people might think of me badly, and. (And, yeah, it stresses me out that people might think of me badly when I don't know about it. Pathetic. But I have a long history of everything seeming fine and then getting dumped/kicked out/fired out of the blue, with no particular warning, because somebody has spent weeks or months being perpetually annoyed with me about something and hasn't talked with me about it or tried to fix it, just gotten rid of me. Or maybe they sent me a few emails, but didn't make it clear that this was a Big Deal. Or maybe they thought they made something clear but didn't because I was stupid. Or.)
Mostly I just kind of felt like posting something here as an indirect means of communication, because that gets around my brain blocks, I guess? Huh. I have so few brain blocks when it comes to LJ, and so many when it comes to most other means of communication. I suppose eventually my brain will block this too, but it's been years so far...
Alskdjflskdf. Need to go buy new tires, drive to Westboring, and water my mother's plants. She's paying me for house-sitting. Probably not enough to offset the tires though.
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no subject
Date: May. 24th, 2010 12:12 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: May. 24th, 2010 01:13 pm (UTC)If it helps, I have a regrettable habit of dropping off the face of the earth email-wise, and have had both friends and family spend months haranguing me about it, so I try not to do that to anyone else. I just figure that, if I don't hear back, something's come up or is awkward or something, and email may not be the best way to deal. That sorta thing.
no subject
Date: May. 24th, 2010 01:43 pm (UTC)Stupid brain. It's like the not-in-school version of the procrastinating on the paper until you can't face doing it and want to talk to your professor about it but you can't face that either so you just don't turn it in and then screw yourself.
Ack. I get it. So, so much. But I seem to remember you as being competent if not very good at dealing with the consequences and then working to un--screw yourself, even when it's difficult. Both in school and afterward. The hardest part of the process is just before you start, but I believe in you and I hope that you can smooth things over.
no subject
Date: May. 24th, 2010 02:12 pm (UTC)I'm quite familiar with the social anxiety blocks, and find myself with them frequently.
On the plus side it's usually the case that clearing them feels fantastic... Or generates more stress when you dwell on the reprocussions of your e-mail call/whatever sort of communication you do.
My general strategy is to take the plunge, send the e-mail, buy the tires, just do it even if it ain't elegant, and then follow it with a self affirming decadent reward chaser.
Have a productive day and then reward yourself with a little splurge. Fancy meal, time with close relaxing friends, awesome video game purchase and 12 hour gaming bender, whatever your vice, indulge a little.
Yeah, at least that's my way, squeeze your eyes shut, do what's required, and then feed the thing inside you that really wants to hole up for a bit.
no subject
Date: May. 24th, 2010 09:00 pm (UTC)