Unrelated to the last, and not as pleasant

[letterblade]

1. Jesus fuck, I have to move in ten days, and I don't even know to where yet. I'm not panicking, precisely. Just about 100% sure that it isn't going to work out, that the people I'm currently waiting to hear back from will blow me off, and I won't be able to find other opportunities because I suck at this and am a general failure at housing stuff, and I'll have to leave illuminaut's and I'll be homeless again. Because that's how my life works.

2. Which is triggered by the moving and cleaning panic because I have to pack most of my stuff up this weekend, because somebody else needs to stay in the guest room. I...settled here. I got too comfortable, forgot it wasn't home. I forgot it was temporary, because my brain simply couldn't bear the thought that I'd be moving again in a month on top of everything else--moved in here just after E. dumped me. Which is hardly an excuse for settling in when I shouldn't have. But. It's why.

3. Nothing could have prepared me for moving my box of magic/altar gear; I nearly started crying just looking at it. The same damn box I packed back in Somerville, when I was first thrown it; it was the first thing I packed, and so carefully. The same box I left at E.'s when I was homeless, kept wishing I could use it more when I was suddenly drawn, so intensely, into magic. Unpacked it in Medford, in a temporary room that proved even more temporary than I thought. Packed it back up again to store at E.'s. Had to go get it when he dumped me. And I haven't touched it since. What's the use? I look at it, it's like any other box of odds and ends. Cryptic and dead.

4. Packed away my battered pocket paperback of the Book of the Law. Bought it in Westborough, when visiting family. It rode around in my pocket for weeks; I'd read it on the bus to work, when I was hurt, or lonely, or tired. It was--solace. I'm not sure that word had much meaning to me until then. And then, tonight, I found it at the bottom of the piles of stuff on my bedside table. There was that comfortable familiarity of having it in my hands; I opened it, read the first few verses, and. Cryptic, frightening, meaningless.

5. Because I'm not strong enough to keep going, in the magic, without someone to share it with. Because I'm not strong enough to keep looking for what is necessary when I have a warm bed and four walls and AC. Because I've managed to pretty much fritter away the summer. Because no matter how good I am, it'll never be good enough.

6. I have to move in ten days. See you all from the gutter, because I'm completely fucking incapable of taking care of myself.

Comments

[anansigirltoo.livejournal.com]

*hugs, hard*

[cat-latin.livejournal.com]

I don't know if you can find one or two potential roomates, but an apt opened up on my street...I actually looked at it out of curiosity and it wasn't too bad, 1300 a month 2 bedroom could be 3 bed if someone doesn't mind some traffic thru their room, landlord seemed sane, he said look in Salem ads in paper or online under Andrew Street. Also another 3 bedroom available on Harbor St in Salem, behind that big white Catholic church on Lafayette. I work with the landlord's mom, who lives on the 1st floor and she seems pretty sane. Let me know if you want any help with either of these leads: re: more info

[unfeathered]

*hugs you*

[nevacaruso.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

I hope that the housing leads you've been following pay off, and soon. You're in my thoughts.

[akycha.livejournal.com]

Don't feel like you've wasted the summer. Time is never wasted. Things are happening; you are living; and sometimes one does need a break. Time is never wasted.

Moving altars is nearly always upsetting. I think we are too often taught that we should be living all our lives in a state of numinous explosion when it comes to spirituality, and aside from the fact that people's minds aren't built like that, it's detrimental to one's overall health. Sometimes one has to come down off the mountain and get the laundry done (as they say: chop wood and carry water). It doesn't mean that one can't climb the mountain again.

[moonshadow.livejournal.com]

I have been thinking about this entry, especially as it pertains to magic and living comfortably.

In essence, I think that it is a Bad Idea to communicate to the Universe that you are not going to work on your magic unless you are in dire need. I think that given your somewhat unique situation, if you did manage to communicate that to the universe, that you would probably find yourself homeless and poverty-stricken for the rest of your life, or perhaps just until they were Done With You. I don't think that would be much fun.

I realize that it is hard to keep up a spiritual practice when you don't need anything badly, when you're doing okay. But, it's worth doing, even if only for the reasons I outline above. And I also realize that some kinds of spiritual knowledge make it very difficult, if not downright impossible to interface with society, especially modern society... but please keep trying. You owe it to yourself. As my mentor is wont to say, "Divine tops need spunky bottoms." Don't just give up! Fight to have something for yourself even while you give them what they want.

I know this is tough love, but I think you need to hear it. Perhaps some *hugs* would make it go down better?