Honesty time, mark II
Dec. 29th, 2006 02:05 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
letterbladeCompletely unrelated to last post; and I apologize for getting a bit spammy.
This is a long-overdue and very necessary public apology for all the missed phone calls, unanswered emails, and unacknowledged LJ comments you folks have experienced recently. Due to a couple of very unpleasant experiences in a row, starting about the beginning of December, my social anxiety alert level has been about red, at times so bad that receiving a two-sentence email or having my own partner in the house could send me into an advanced state of Not Dealing. I've been taking undue advantage of my semi-forcibly-unemployed state to hide alone in the apartment for hours at end, ignoring even LJ most of the time, and it's been helping; but even about a month of this has barely started to heal me.
Please, please understand: this has nothing to do with your actions. None of you, nobody at all, has directly attacked me, snubbed me, or done anything wrong. This is entirely a result of a fairly large number of my own issues, too involved to go into here, multiplying out of control. Over the past few months, I've been slowly coming to the highly uncomfortable and identity-undermining realization that I'm a lot sicker in the head than I'd like to admit, and that at times it can be just about impossible to stop my own sickness from hurting my friends and lovers.
One bit is not my fault; sometimes my phone just plain doesn't ring or doesn't let me know somebody's called. But the rest...
I'm sorry. And I wish I could just get better in an instant and have it all stop, but I can't. I think it's starting to clear, but it's hard to tell. But I'm so, so sorry.
This is a long-overdue and very necessary public apology for all the missed phone calls, unanswered emails, and unacknowledged LJ comments you folks have experienced recently. Due to a couple of very unpleasant experiences in a row, starting about the beginning of December, my social anxiety alert level has been about red, at times so bad that receiving a two-sentence email or having my own partner in the house could send me into an advanced state of Not Dealing. I've been taking undue advantage of my semi-forcibly-unemployed state to hide alone in the apartment for hours at end, ignoring even LJ most of the time, and it's been helping; but even about a month of this has barely started to heal me.
Please, please understand: this has nothing to do with your actions. None of you, nobody at all, has directly attacked me, snubbed me, or done anything wrong. This is entirely a result of a fairly large number of my own issues, too involved to go into here, multiplying out of control. Over the past few months, I've been slowly coming to the highly uncomfortable and identity-undermining realization that I'm a lot sicker in the head than I'd like to admit, and that at times it can be just about impossible to stop my own sickness from hurting my friends and lovers.
One bit is not my fault; sometimes my phone just plain doesn't ring or doesn't let me know somebody's called. But the rest...
I'm sorry. And I wish I could just get better in an instant and have it all stop, but I can't. I think it's starting to clear, but it's hard to tell. But I'm so, so sorry.